29th of March - Recover, Regret and Recall

As I sit in front of my computer at this timing, just thinking about the many things that are inside my head and also the images that project out into my subconscious mind. Everything that happened on the past 2 days are just so bittersweet and surreal.

I contemplated and wanted to give you just one phone call, I wanted to see you face again and hear you lovely voice just one more time. Called you and to my delight, you picked up the phone and you gave me the most cheerful salutation I ever received. Hesitating, I asked you if you were free to go out and have grilled salmon with me at the restaurant nearby your house. To my surprise you were able to come and I was obviously overjoyed. I stopped doing every thing 2 hours before just to prepare myself for this meal with you. Went to bathed, sprayed my best perfume and then styled my hair for a good half an hour, before heading out of the house. Along the way, I was absolutely nervous, I was worried if my hairstyle was okay, whether was I sweating too excessively which might cause me to smell even though I had perfume on, I was worried if I could swallow the food down as I know this is a very special and heart fluttering meal with you.

I reached and only waited for a good 5 minutes before you arrived, and when you walked to me, it was like a beautiful angel descending from the sky, and you smiled angelically at me like how you did that day one year ago to me. As you sat down on the seat opposite me, my heart was beating extremely quickly as I only thought this meal would only happen in my wildest imagination. We chatted like as if we just met up the previous day. The whole time I couldn't stop noticing your angelic smile, plus the cute and dorky voice of yours. Time past very quickly and then before I knew it, the meal was over and you had to go to somewhere else for another meetup. I shook your hand before you turned and left, but the moment your hand slipped out of mine and you turned to leave, my heart broke into a million pieces. I really wanted to tell you once more that I really loved you so much, that by just not being able to tell you, makes my heart ache even more. To me this meal wasn't just any meal, as this meal signifies my first and last meal with you, before I start to properly let you go from my heart. 

My heart was crying out to you at the farewell, as much as I didn't want to let you go and just tell you how much I really loved you. After you left, I just felt really confused and empty, as I really didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I needed to do. I just wandered aimlessly around the area, just hoping that I will be able to find something that will distract myself out of you. I found myself walking back to the restaurant where we ate, and I looked at the person that was eating the meal which was exactly what you ordered. 

My heart sank once more, and I felt like I was about to plunge into rock bottom once again. 

Boarded the train and I left for home, Felt better along the was as I listened to my favourite song. Lyrics went, "You come to me in the fluttering wind, and you come to me once more under the blinding sunshine" 

There will always be hope and the light of hope will shine at me as in progress further into my life.

As for the love of my life, thank you for crossing paths into my life and that everything about you has been so lovely since the day I knew you. However it's time for me to let go of you no matter how painful it is, and I will never forget how amazing you are as a person to me. 

Thank you

20th of March

Its been a month since I last made a post and more importantly, last recovered from the 'rock bottom' feels.

So what have I been doing these few weeks? Army, just army and very little time to myself. Overnight guard mounts once every 2 days, and the only time I get to rest is during the guard dismount after leaving camp, and it all just ties up to one word, shag.

Breakfast after reaching home or McDonalds breakfast a good bathe and a long, long sleep.

Main point is that I have been feeling extremely mad these few days, or I would say just simply easily annoyed, be it from just the presence of people at the wrong time, pissed till the point something small would make me blow my top while I'm gaming or to even things like not wanting to talk to anyone. Either I'm really sleep deprived from all the irregular sleeping hours during guard mount days, or I'm about to really get brain damage and start developing cancer or something.

Guess the only thing that I'm working on right now and probably the only thing going right, is my revision of my poly schoolwork during the silent hours. I have studied up to 7 chapters and have encountered some difficulties while trying out chapter 7's tutorials. Oh well, at least I still have quite alot of time left at that place, studying will make me take my mind off all the stuff that is going on in my head, and not forgetting gaming and good food when I dismount from camp and get back home.

9 straight mounts coming up, and I think I'm pretty much prepared for it, except for the night drills which will drain all the life out of me as it causes me to lose sleep over it.

Justin