15th of December

And so I came across this article, which was titled: 'Unrequited Love: The Pain Of Loving Someone When It’s One-Sided.'

After reading it, my heart ached as if the tendons inside snapped, or maybe like I got stabbed or something. I will quote a large part of the article down here:

"You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where he or she tells you he or she doesn’t feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

The next thing you know, you’re in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can’t get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all."

Yup that's probably how I'm feeling for the past 2 weeks. Won't say anymore.

14th of December

Time flies, whether it has been fast or slow. Managed to clear my IPPT last friday but sadly no silver because I screwed up my pull ups and my sit ups, therefore I won't even get a single cent from the government. But luckily due to the fact that I cleared my IPPT, I will definitely get my corporal rank soon within the course of my service, hopefully soon as I look forward to the pay rise.

Left less than an hour before I actually leave home for camp, such a 'sian' feeling but I do know that I am about to graduate from the basic course in less than 6 days, fast isn't it? Weeks ago I was complaining about how slow the course progress was, and look where I am now? I'm about to be a trained Military Policeman, going out to catch or book military offenders.

Family has been supporting me non stop since the start of my BMT until now, and also with the bonding of my section mates, helped me to realize that to get through things, we have to work and suffer together. Gaming also kinda takes away all the stupid thoughts that I have in my head when I'm actually not in camp for the week, and also not forgetting music. I have been repeating a few songs again and again because I just can't seem to not play them when I am listening to music.

Time for dinner soon, actually rushed out this post to fill up the week's number of posts, I sort of made a little promise to update as much as possible and also to remove the laziness of not posting anything. Maybe if I am not tired after routine orders I might actually make another post before I sleep!

10th of December

Just finished my morning physical training, which also includes the nice cold bath and the hot cup of milo and snacks to complete the morning. Exactly midweek of the 8th week and one more week to the end of the course. 

In addition, it has been exactly one week since I contacted her. She hasn't replied me, but I did saw she replied someone else as the other person wrote on her profile. It was this morning when I saw that she replied to her friend. I'll be honest here, I was a little sad, I felt forgotten and that I was just wondering since breakfast till physical training why she didn't reply me. Basically the same old thoughts flooding my head once more.

The more I thought, the more sad and forgotten I felt. It went to the extent that the things that my friends have said to me, suddenly all became true, which is to simply 'Let It Go'. However the thought of letting go has crossed my mind once, but it got covered by the fact that whether I was able to find someone with a very similar character and personality like hers. 

Right now I'm feeling a little better after the morning physical training, just that I'm still thinking whether it's time to let go and perhaps never be able to find someone like her again, or remain lost while clinging on to that tiny bit of hope and continue to have feelings for her.

She's a wonderful person that I have liked for around 2 years already, and someone I will never be able to forget.

8th of December

My first ever post made in camp, physical training just ended, had a great shower and now I'm having a cup of hot milo while having some snacks. Many things have been going through my head since yesterday night. I couldn't fall asleep that easily, in which I ended up tossing and turning in my bed.

So you may ask, what are the things that have going through my head? Well firstly my family is going overseas for the whole week, so I won't be able to call them or hear their voices. Next, is the fact that I still take other people's judgement of me too seriously, be it in a jokingly manner or for real. A few days ago I went out with a best friend for dinner, as I was travelling up the escalator, a group of young foreign ladies behind started talking about my cap, and for some reason it's stuck inside my head until now, meaning I still could remember what that said word for word.

And lastly, it's about her. It's been months since graduation, and also around a month since I last contacted her. Last Wednesday, due to a minor accident on my phone, I accidentally sent her a 'thumbs up' emoticon. I frantically tried to erase that but to no avail. Therefore I decided to just talk to her once more, giving a simple salutation and asking her how she was. For the entire night until the next morning, I was quite nervous as I was waiting for her reply. 

However until today, she hasn't replied to me, I don't even know whether has she seen the message, whether she is busy or whether she doesn't want to talk to me. Possiblilties are endless, so are my thoughts. Which sometimes sets me thinking, did I say something or do something wrong? Or whether am I too bad of a person?

Right now I just want this day to end fast, so that I can polish my boots and then get some early rest. 

I hope my decision to hold on to that love is not a wrong one, it's tiring but I will still endure.

Justin

6th of December

It's been about more than 3 months since I last posted something, it's due to me being overly lazy or tired from all the army training and the precious time from the book outs during the weekends. But you would probably agree how precious the weekends are if you are in a stay-in combat vocation.

Where am I right now?

I'm a trainee Military Policeman, still currently attending the basic course at the SAF MP Command, the basic course lasts for 9 weeks and this weekend marks the end of the 7th week. Reviving the memories from BMT, 3rd Company has trained me to be more swift when it comes to doing forced preparation, especially when we have to take EVERYTHING out from the field pack and lay it out nicely for commanders to see whether we have all the necessary items inside the field pack. I never regretted being in 3rd Company, firstly I do miss my OC sir, Captain Arthur, and my BMT PC 2LT Tian Jie, without the both of them, I probably will still be some lost sheep wandering around and be super 'blur' about everything.

Was posted to MP command after my BMT, and to be honest, I was quite happy with the posting results as it was what I wanted, but at the same time I was also a little disappointed as I wanted a stay-out vocation, I sort of have something against staying in camps for the week days and booking out during the weekends and then repeating it again and again. Usually nowadays before booking in, I will feel absolutely 'sian', reason being I have to leave home just for some camp and stay in there for 5 days straight before I can get out of that shithole camp and go home. Oh well, but after doing it in BMT and for an additional 6 weeks, I'm kinda used to it already, to the point where booking in is just some compulsory action because if I don't then it's considered 'Absence without official leave'.

During the weekends, I go back to old school, meaning I do things that I used to do when I was young. For example, watching childhood shows like Power Rangers (Yes, don't laugh), or playing old school computer games, while listening to music at the same time. Torrented some movies that I watched before like Johnny English, Ice Age and also not forgetting to watch Seananner's daily comedy gameplay videos.

Shifting everything aside, NS has made me realise that family will definitely play a very very important role in a soldier's training, be it emotional support or mental support. I never fail to spend my time with my family every weekend, be it going out for early morning breakfasts, having some heart to heart talk with my parents, going out with them to shop or even simple things like helping them to buy food or carry their stuff for them. Life is short, I had 2 friends that lost their fathers recently, so I just want to make sure I spend time with my parents as much as I can, strive for the things that I want with the best of my ability and lastly, not to become a disappointment to them like what I was years ago.

I don't want to make my parents feel that they wasted their life supporting me and watching me grow up into some useless person, I want to make sure when I succeed, they will be there in smiles and also will be able to celebrate together with me.

Alright it's pretty late right now, 12:56 am in the morning and I'm sleepy because I ate some medication after I bathed as my fever is about to return. Will get some sleep now and I will most probably create one more blog post before I book in back to camp.

Justin