This is probably one of the posts that has the most amount of honesty being put into, so many things has happened recently and I guess besides talking to the people that are closest to me, this is one of the places where I can just pen down the many thoughts that are bottling up inside my head right now.
I've been so so confused and mentally sad lately. Someone that I really really cared for has started showing signs that she doesn't care for me as much as she used to. I've talked to my friends about what has happened and a lot of them told me to just take it easy while giving her the space that she needed. So I did just that and hoped that things would get better as times went by. However as of today, I realized that I was so used to having her by my side while talking to her every single day via telegram, and now the moment she reduced her contact with me just made me feel so sad. I miss her and her little moments of her happiness when she either gets to go home early from work, getting to eat her favourite snacks or to eating her mum's food after a long day of work. She has made me realized that by being grateful to the smallest things in life will help heal the soul and make you life much more happier, plus it is a major stepping stone to helping me recover from anxiety and all the fear that has been bottled inside my soul for years.
If I could see her again, I would want to tell her how much I really cared for her since the day that I've fallen in love with her, and also for her to know that if she has any problems that she wants to share with me, I would be there for her as much as possible.
As of now I've been doubting myself and my ability to handle stuff properly, am not so sure how am I supposed to be doing stuff and carrying on with my life until SSO. So many times I felt that I am not worthy of the people around me that care and trust me with their lives, and even more on the fact that perhaps I'm not worthy and ready to take care of someone and place herself before me. I don't know what her impression of me right now, nor what she's going through in her life. Sometimes I feel so sad that I don't know how to make the situation between us better, or to even just make sure that she's feeling okay.
[At this point my head is just messy, and I can't even sort out my thoughts straight without feeling fuzzy in my chest]
She's amazing and I really really don't wish for things between us to end. She's always smiling inside and will be a sunshine to my darkness that is trapping me in an eternal state of limbo.
Monday, 9 July 2018
Monday, 12 June 2017
12th of June
It has been more than a year since I have become an Operationally Ready National Serviceman, in which that signifies that I completed my 2 mandatory years of National Service. I am a Military Policeman of the Singapore Armed Forces, and I do not regret putting in my very best in everything I do back in my unit.
My first year of University has been pretty smooth, and I am extremely grateful for having such good groupmates and studymates. If not for them, I might end up being alone and left out :\ I also have become extremely unfit as compared to the times back during NS. Oh well, I've been training a little from time to time as I have finished my first year in University.
2 weeks to my first ever trip to the UK! It's an exchange trip that I have signed up for and I am definitely looking forward to it :D My first week will be spent exploring London and the remaining 3 weeks will be spent at the University itself. I've seen some pictures of the campus itself, and I can't wait to visit it :) Got some worries and nervous thoughts, but I guess I'll just put them all aside as it'll just ruin everything. For now I'm just going to relax until the trip itself, so it's chill and workout time!
My first year of University has been pretty smooth, and I am extremely grateful for having such good groupmates and studymates. If not for them, I might end up being alone and left out :\ I also have become extremely unfit as compared to the times back during NS. Oh well, I've been training a little from time to time as I have finished my first year in University.
2 weeks to my first ever trip to the UK! It's an exchange trip that I have signed up for and I am definitely looking forward to it :D My first week will be spent exploring London and the remaining 3 weeks will be spent at the University itself. I've seen some pictures of the campus itself, and I can't wait to visit it :) Got some worries and nervous thoughts, but I guess I'll just put them all aside as it'll just ruin everything. For now I'm just going to relax until the trip itself, so it's chill and workout time!
Thursday, 23 June 2016
24th of June
It has been a good 18 days since I collected my pink IC and left the army, and within these 18 days there have been ups and downs. Once again I did a lot of self reflection and I was more aware of what was making me feel down. I would say the first thing was the very fact that I pushed away and hurt the people that really cared for me even when I wasn't being fair to them. My actions have hurt them to the point some of them stopped caring for me, and I really regret my actions to this very day. I used to think that I would be able to easily find people that truly care for me, but after everything that has happened, I realised I was wrong, 100% wrong in fact.
People that you know might not turn out what they really are, in which they would turn out likely to just be acquaintances or even worse, betrayers / backstabbers. On the other hand, I am thankful to those people still stood by my side even though I might have unknowingly hurt them. I will definitely watch my actions and the things I say as these 2 things tend to easily hurt people the most.
Okay enough for the negative part! Visited a Chinese physician to get my stomach and re-flux problems checked, and apparently it was caused by the over consumption of cold food and beverages. Therefore even since then I've cut down on cold drinks but as for desserts I still have em' every once in a while, I mean it is impossible to completely not eat dessert :D (like, bruh come on!). At the same time I've completely changed my workout style to fully calisthenic-style and no weights. The main reason is because my gym that I signed up last year is expiring soon and it has at least 80 dollars worth of deposit left, but I have to travel pretty far to reach that gym. Calisthenics? I can do them anyway and anywhere. As of now, I am on my journey to doing my very first muscle up :)
Been studying for Uni almost every single day, as I know it is going to OMG difficult since it's an honours course squeezed into 21 months. Therefore if I am able to pull through the 21 months, my life would be way better after that. Not a lot of revision done in a day, just a chapter and loads of questions plus online research. Research plays a very big part in finding solutions and exploring more about that topic. I met up with a professor recently and he told me that just plainly memorizing answer will only help me to PASS, but to SCORE and EXCEL I have to do additional research and theory proving. But well, till then I am not going to stop my revision and research and at the same time enjoy my very much well deserved civilian life :D
Alright, it's pretty late so I will be getting some sleep. Since I am no longer in the army, I do have more time alone therefore I promise to update this dead blog more often :)
Cheers:)
People that you know might not turn out what they really are, in which they would turn out likely to just be acquaintances or even worse, betrayers / backstabbers. On the other hand, I am thankful to those people still stood by my side even though I might have unknowingly hurt them. I will definitely watch my actions and the things I say as these 2 things tend to easily hurt people the most.
Okay enough for the negative part! Visited a Chinese physician to get my stomach and re-flux problems checked, and apparently it was caused by the over consumption of cold food and beverages. Therefore even since then I've cut down on cold drinks but as for desserts I still have em' every once in a while, I mean it is impossible to completely not eat dessert :D (like, bruh come on!). At the same time I've completely changed my workout style to fully calisthenic-style and no weights. The main reason is because my gym that I signed up last year is expiring soon and it has at least 80 dollars worth of deposit left, but I have to travel pretty far to reach that gym. Calisthenics? I can do them anyway and anywhere. As of now, I am on my journey to doing my very first muscle up :)
Been studying for Uni almost every single day, as I know it is going to OMG difficult since it's an honours course squeezed into 21 months. Therefore if I am able to pull through the 21 months, my life would be way better after that. Not a lot of revision done in a day, just a chapter and loads of questions plus online research. Research plays a very big part in finding solutions and exploring more about that topic. I met up with a professor recently and he told me that just plainly memorizing answer will only help me to PASS, but to SCORE and EXCEL I have to do additional research and theory proving. But well, till then I am not going to stop my revision and research and at the same time enjoy my very much well deserved civilian life :D
Alright, it's pretty late so I will be getting some sleep. Since I am no longer in the army, I do have more time alone therefore I promise to update this dead blog more often :)
Cheers:)
Thursday, 7 April 2016
7th of April
FINALLY! I managed to watch Dawn of Justice, in addition the whole cinema was empty when I was watching it :D Looks like I finally managed to strike off something on my bucket list, plus I had a good McDonalds meal while watching so that made it ten times better :)
Right now it's comics reading season, been reading the second year of Injustice: Gods Among Us and also the Marvel / DC crossover comics and I have to say the crossover series is way way more darker than most of the DC comics with Doctor StrangeFate in my opinion is the most OP shit every, no kidding.
60 days to ORD and I couldn't have asked for a better life than right now. Just that some people that I'm working with right now are just not willing to accept what they have, they complain about details and even talk bad about seniors behind our backs. Kinda makes be really annoyed when that happens as we are trying our best to keep this place running with no issues and some just want to start an internal coup. Not sure what exactly he / they want as whatever he / they wanted we have given, the complains still surface from time to time when we least expect it.
Oh well, just going to continue doing what I need to do and erase my presence from that workplace when I complete my service.
Right now it's comics reading season, been reading the second year of Injustice: Gods Among Us and also the Marvel / DC crossover comics and I have to say the crossover series is way way more darker than most of the DC comics with Doctor StrangeFate in my opinion is the most OP shit every, no kidding.
60 days to ORD and I couldn't have asked for a better life than right now. Just that some people that I'm working with right now are just not willing to accept what they have, they complain about details and even talk bad about seniors behind our backs. Kinda makes be really annoyed when that happens as we are trying our best to keep this place running with no issues and some just want to start an internal coup. Not sure what exactly he / they want as whatever he / they wanted we have given, the complains still surface from time to time when we least expect it.
Oh well, just going to continue doing what I need to do and erase my presence from that workplace when I complete my service.
Monday, 4 April 2016
4th of April
One whole week of sinful meals and snacks, and I felt the first-hand effects of it just yesterday night after dinner. Soooo after dinner I headed to macs with my parents and we shared 2 meals. After drinking the iced lemon tea all by myself, I suddenly felt ultimately sick to my stomach and at the same time there was a sharp pain on my chest area in which to be more specific, my heart area. So I had to walk slower and fortunately the bus took quite some time to arrive at the bus stop therefore I was able to sit down, catch my breath and relieve the imminent anxiety attack.
I was able to reach home without throwing up or passing out (yes, literally), sat down and slowly sipped a cup of water. I told myself that from that point onwards if I want to eat unhealthy food for more than 2 days a week, I will have to compensate by exercising and participate in more high intensity training sessions every week. Therefore this morning I headed out for a run with a few of my platoon mates at the running track. The sun was blazing hot so I had to struggle the 2.4km, we then headed back into the sheltered shed to carry on with some static exercises. I nailed the push ups by doing 60 in one minute, and adding on 3 sets of 20 push ups with 1 minute of rest time in between. I was glad I didn't lose my touch with my push ups as that is the few exercises that I made the most improvements in. Next was pull ups, I broke my record by doing 8 solid pull ups and words couldn't express how proud I was with myself, all the late night training sessions at home and the official training sessions in camp have really paid off.
Headed home for another 4km run after an evening gaming / study session and here I am right now cooling down after a warm bath.
Plans for this week? Watch the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice movie on Thursday and brushing up on my math, hopefully I can complete my year one math and move forward to my second year math by the end of this week. Hopefully my procrastination doesn't kick in when I don't want it to, haha :D
Time for bed! Cheers everyone!
Justin
I was able to reach home without throwing up or passing out (yes, literally), sat down and slowly sipped a cup of water. I told myself that from that point onwards if I want to eat unhealthy food for more than 2 days a week, I will have to compensate by exercising and participate in more high intensity training sessions every week. Therefore this morning I headed out for a run with a few of my platoon mates at the running track. The sun was blazing hot so I had to struggle the 2.4km, we then headed back into the sheltered shed to carry on with some static exercises. I nailed the push ups by doing 60 in one minute, and adding on 3 sets of 20 push ups with 1 minute of rest time in between. I was glad I didn't lose my touch with my push ups as that is the few exercises that I made the most improvements in. Next was pull ups, I broke my record by doing 8 solid pull ups and words couldn't express how proud I was with myself, all the late night training sessions at home and the official training sessions in camp have really paid off.
Headed home for another 4km run after an evening gaming / study session and here I am right now cooling down after a warm bath.
Plans for this week? Watch the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice movie on Thursday and brushing up on my math, hopefully I can complete my year one math and move forward to my second year math by the end of this week. Hopefully my procrastination doesn't kick in when I don't want it to, haha :D
Time for bed! Cheers everyone!
Justin
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