20th of February

Came home from guard dismount with a terrible headache because it was the first time I tanked many hours on duty. Sat on the bus with my eyes closing, when I was about to reach my stop, I could have swore the bus driver was jokingly trying to signal to me to keep my eyes open, guess he was trying to help me in a good way :)

Reached home feeling absolutely hungry because I didn't get to buy my McDonalds breakfast because the outlet at SP was closed. So I just ate some hot dogs with eggs, and a cup of Ramen because I was still hungry. Wolfed all of the food down and started watching CNBLUE's performances on the FNC Kingdom concert, then started playing Yuri's Revenge as I download a lot of maps. Mum wanted me to sleep as she knew I didn't sleep a lot and we had to go out later on for a visit, so she switched on the air-con for me while I was still gaming.

Slept anyway, woke up and got changed as my parents were about to leave the house. Took public transport there, and reached in no time. We were warmly welcomed as we haven't been seeing each other for a year. Family after family arrived, and everyone looked grown up, the sons looked more mature and the daughters looked more beautiful. Chatted and played card games into the evening, and then was the prosperity toss before taking some pictures before leaving for home.

It was a great day and I enjoyed every moment of it, I do hope the next year will be even better, more laughter and food :D

16th of February

As usual I dragged my feet to camp early in the morning, was half conscious in the bus while listening to music. I guess it was the music that kept me awake (Can't stop me now~) :D Reached camp, got changed and started doing morning duties. At the post I was carry out duties alone, while the other posts had my upper study section mates watching over them. I'm not sure if they didn't want to stand with me, or whether they didn't like me in some way, or whether they felt that I didn't need any help, I didn't know the actual reason so I just continued doing my duties.

Went to canteen after duties and bought drink for my ST friends, before heading to the sofa and chill on it. Slept for around an hour before heading down for lunch. Lunch was totally horrible, the fish was a hard as a rock, at least the chicken was tasty. Gluped down 2 packet drinks and went to chat with another friend on Whatsapp before actually sleeping on the sofa once more. Ran in the afternoon sun, my skin literally baked and I almost puked out my lunch, guess I haven't been running alot (that's a sign)

After I washed up and got changed, we went to the base dinner at some desolate place at Portsdown Road, a dinner filled with laughter and sheer ridiculousness. The food I would say wasn't really that bad, judging from the fact that we had an 8 course meal, and that the drinks were simple and it fits the food well.

Left for home and bathed, and ended the day by chatting with a new friend that I made 2 days ago. Friendly and kind soul, and not a typical female you talk to on the streets nowadays.

As for the rock bottom state, I'm recovering from it bit by bit, I'm not thinking about it a lot which is a good thing as it takes my attention away from the things that I'm doing. Food and games help me to recover faster, and I hope to be okay by the end of this week. Shall see how things go.

Justin

14th of February

I expected this day to be terrible, but of course I never expected it to be so terrible and demoralizing for me. Started with an overnight duty knowing that I can't have reunion dinner with my family, and guard mount on day 1 of Chinese New Year and also can't attend a reunion lunch with my aunties, uncles and cousins. Fuck everything.

Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.

Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.

Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.

Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.

I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.

Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore

The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered

9th of February

I think it's has been a month since I last posted something, so another boring month in my NS life, only looking forward to going home every time I enter camp, oh well I can't do much since I am already posted to Gombak. Only thing I can do is to firstly look forward to the McDonalds breakfast when I leave camp after an overnight duty.

In the past month I attended a few friends 21st birthdays and I would say they pretty much enjoyed themselves, be it from being thrown into the pool, cake smashed into their faces or even playing simple drinking and potato chips games. And I will be celebrating my 21st birthday in camp, unfair much to be honest. I don't even get to enjoy myself on my birthday and I have to endure scolding from people that don't even care whether it's your birthday or not. 

Moody as usual these few days, kept playing counter strike to get my head back in track with the sniping and knifing of the enemies, and not forgetting the goal that I'm working towards, which is getting the 'Luminosity Bringer' title. Besides gaming, have been working out a little. Usually I don't really have the mood to go and exercise, but the fact that I have been pretty demoralized and pissed with myself, I decided to turn the personal insults and hatred, into energy for exercise. Ran around 3+km every 2 days, pretty much has burned off all the calories I get from consuming canteen food. 

Right now I'm chilling on a sofa in camp, just thinking about future events and plans. Plans for this year? Get a new PC, maintain my silver grade for IPPT, treat my parents to restaurant food at least 4 times, and lastly get my head back in track when it comes to love. Still remembering one year ago, when I was ridiculously in love, as I haven't really changed my lifestyle, eating all sorts of rubbish foods and sleeping at ridiculous hours. One year later, I'm much better and physically stronger and a little mentally stronger, so life isn't as bad as last time. Guess sleep, scoldings and canteen food are my best friends when I'm alone in the army and I can't use my phone at the same time. Maybe I forgot to add in the drinks after the food but oh well, they come together as a package.

Nice people every now and then that actually understands the stuff that you are doing, and actually am willing to talk to you about it, unlike people that just give zero fucks to you and won't care what happen even though you are really in need of help and need someone to talk to.

In the mean time, I will just chill like a cat sitting at the corner of the room.

Justin