I expected this day to be terrible, but of course I never expected it to be so terrible and demoralizing for me. Started with an overnight duty knowing that I can't have reunion dinner with my family, and guard mount on day 1 of Chinese New Year and also can't attend a reunion lunch with my aunties, uncles and cousins. Fuck everything.
Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.
Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.
Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.
Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.
I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.
Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore
The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered
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