Seriously

I have been super frustrated the moment I came home from the airport. I was kind of grouchy and pissed at the same time, and it's one of the worst combos to have when you are playing DOTA. So basically I cursed and cursed repeatedly, to the point I just felt like quitting DOTA for good.

For the past 2 days I lost every single match that I played. In addition, it was the just after the exam period, so my gaming standard expectations was very high, but I just failed to meet those standards.

My feelings and mood wasn't really that good these few days. People around me don't actually know how I even feel right now. Sometimes I feel extremely angry and frustrated, and I have to vent it on something. I can't possibly vent in on my family or friends. Therefore, the only thing I can vent my frustration on is by gaming. But because of my standards rising from time to time, if I don't meet those standards, my frustration builds up more and more instead of releasing it. Sometimes I feel that I suck in everything because I just don't meet those basic expectations of mine. I shared this matter with my mum, asking her for her opinion whether what I'm doing is it good for me? Or is it just leading me to a path of destruction?

There's another matter that has been bothering and frustrating me since a very long time ago. Women, are like Queen in chess, in which protects the King, and that women can help clear a man's messed up life. My life, is really in a bloody mess right now, to the point I can just literally go crazy. I really want a girl, a girl that can understand how I feel, listen to my feelings and emotions. People around me are finding their other halves already, just like me. I'm really jealous sometimes, and I always ask myself this question from time to time, Why is it just not me? Why?

The word why appears very often in my head, as if it's bugging me to answer that question in my head. However, the answer will not be found that easily. So I guess I'm back to the same point in my messed up life, unable to advance, and most likely fall back down into that pit of destruction.