With just less than 50 days to NS, the fear and nervousness starts to kick in, bit by bit. Furthermore I fell sick due to my stupidity, I ate a large amount of sugar and even mixed sugar into my water bottle (reason being I wanted to recover my energy as fast as possible, so I ate a large spoonful of sugar and drank the entire bottle of sugar down). At 3 am, my stomach freaked out badly, giving me the diarrhea feeling. Rushed to the toilet but false alarm, and my stomach walls started spamming and I really wanted to throw up so badly. Anxiety attack was about to kick in so I just closed my eyes and did some simple breathing exercises, I then managed to fall asleep at around 4:30 pm, then woke up the next day with my stomach feeling really funky and always having the urge to have a diarrhea. This continued on for a few days, and after dinner with Axel, my intestines suddenly became real loose (like if I pressed on my left side of my abdomen, there will be a loud growling and compressing sound of the digested food being heard *gross*), so I quickly asked him to go home and I went to the toilet, and ended up as a false alarm.
Went to the see the doctor and also gave him the medical report of the doctor that he referred me to for endoscopy, then I told him about my stupid story that ended me up in this stupid state. He prescribed me some medicine to treat my stomach openings, and also another set of pills to help me to 'reset' my digestive system to it original state before I got this stupid problem. So after 2 days of medication I feel a little better, maybe still feeling a little funky as well.
But the main point of this post is to share what happened today, nothing exactly happened to me, maybe just my mind and my feelings. So today was the day where my cousin got married, she's 27 years old, not a cousin that I'm really close with. Was feeling a little pissed with my family for rushing me early in the morning to get ready, didn't even had time to properly comb my hair and I had to scoot out of the house. Took a Taxi which we waited for more than 20 minutes, arrived at Grand Hyatt Hotel (no idea if I spelled that correctly). Feeling gloomy and a little unhappy as I enter the ballroom, but my face lightened up a bit when I saw my relatives and cousins that I didn't meet since Chinese New Year until now. We registered at the front counter, and I saw the bride's younger sister and younger brother busily helping out. Soon the reception started and there were videos being played of the wife and husband to be, on how they knew each other, their happy times and how they groom had to fulfill some 'tasks' in order to be able to meet the bride, causing all of the guests to burst out in laughter.
Next was the grandest part of the ceremony, which was the entrance of the bride and the groom, and I have to say, they look really compatible. However when I saw the bride and groom walk down the isle, I suddenly had this ultimatly sad feeling, this feeling that I haven't experienced for a very long time. My thoughts then were, "Don't you think they look good? What about yourself? What are you going to do about her?"
I sort of started daydreaming, to the time when I pictured myself walking down the isle with her, and smiling and my family and friends congratulating me. My heart ached badly after I pictured that, because the fact that it's going to be an impossible dream. She's too good for a person, more like perfect to me. I think of her all the time, to the point where I sometimes hallucinate into thinking she's in front of me and I'm like actually talking to her face to face. I miss her to the point I feel that I can go insane, and like she's a drug when I see her, I want to see her more and more, and especially that smile of hers that melts and warms my heart. The fluttering of my heart when I see her laugh happily, and that her gracefulness when she helps people, I miss all of those.
I will never forget the day when I first saw her, first talked to her and got her picture and lastly the day when I gave her a gift and confessed to her. Up till now, everything just feels so surreal, as if everything happened in a dream.
When I wake up everyday and think of her, I tell myself that it's all over and to move on, but my heart inside tells me otherwise. But the fact that I managed to tell her everything, I guess it's all worth it in the end and I do not have any more regrets, just missing her.
I love her.
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