20th of October

Somehow waking up before my alarm rings is starting to become a norm since I have been posted to Gombak base. I woke up at 3 am because I had to charge my crazy phone, the battery seems to have a life of it's own. Either it super charges to max battery in less than 5 minutes or it takes crazily long to charge it to full voltage. Sighpies.

Headed off to camp wearing the pair of jeans that was given to me during my birthday. I thought the skinny jeans will actually shrink even more after my mum washed them, but apparently it seems to be okay for now :) Some how my stomach ached real bad after first parade, and I had to choing to the toilet without even changing out. Had a good shit but it completely drained out all of my energy, somehow forcing everything out has consumed my energy in the process (LOLOLOLOL). Had to report early because someone was late and someone had to take his place, and I happen to be the poor soul that is available. On a good note, lunch was good. In camp, food is rarely good but the chicken tomato pasta was exceptionally good that day:D

It was training day so we had to report to the gym for an official training session conducted by another regular. It was a pretty fruitful session as I did more lifting sets than usual, and also I ran quite a distance on the treadmill. Went out for dinner with Axel since he needed to go to Art Friend to get some drawing stuff. 

Right now I'm back at home and listening to my favourite songs on my com :D. Just did some math though, brain is getting pretty rusty from the lack of info going into my head so I am actually getting some stuffs back on track by doing some basic math. Alright, time for some games before heading to bed :D

On a good note, I'm getting CNBLUE's latest album '2gether' later this month, hopefully I get the poster of the whole group so I can get it pasted on my room's wall :D

18th of October

Recently I have been reading a lot of quotes, pictures and some shows with deep meanings behind it. One of them hit me real hard.

"Finding balance and enlightenment within yourself/.
7 energies to unlock, 7 purposes, but blocked by 7 different emotional marks.

- Earth energy, located at the base of the spine. Deals with SURVIVAL, but blocked by FEAR. What am I most afraid of? Let them be clear to you, surrender the fears and let them flow away.

- Water energy, located at the sacrum. Deals with PLEASURE, but blocked by GUILT. What are all the guilt that burdens your soul? What do you blame yourself for? Accept the reality that these things happen, but do not let them cloud or poison your energy and soul. To be a positive influence in the world, you have to forgive yourself.

- Fire energy, located at the stomach. Deals with WILLPOWER, but blocked by SHAME. What are you ashamed of? What are your biggest disappointments in yourself? Remember, you will never find balance if you deny this part of your life.

- Air energy, located in the heart. Deals with LOVE, but blocked by GRIEF. Let all of your grief out in front of you. Love is an energy, and it swerves all around us. Your family and friends love for you is not lost, but it is deep inside your heart and reborn-ed as another form of love. Let the pain, flow away...

- Sound energy, located in the throat. Deals with TRUTH, but blocked by LIES. What are the lies that we tell ourselves? You have to first accept that destiny that you want, not the destiny that someone else is trying to force upon you.

- Light energy, located in the centre of the forehead. Deals with INSIGHT, but blocked by ILLUSION. One of the greatest illusions in this world, is the illusion of separation. Some things  you think are separate and different, are actually one and the same. Like people, but we all live as if divided.

- Thought energy, located at the crown of the head. Deals with COSMIC energy, but blocked by EARTHLY ATTACHMENTS. You have to let all of those attachments GO. Let them flow down the river forgotten. Think of the lovely attachments that you have, and let them go."

That part about letting go of earthly attachments, the people I love, the people I care about, and most importantly the love of my life. In order to understand more about myself, I have to give up many things, including her? I was in disbelief. I'm not sure whether I wanted to understand myself more, or to continue things the way they are. The image of her flowing away from my life, just terrifies me. What will happen if I made her flow away? Will I be as empty as before? Or am I just going to find someone else and fill up that spot so that that emptiness feeling won't come back? But if I do that I'm just finding excuses for myself, and being extremely selfish.

Right now I guess I will just focus on the first 6.

11th of October

It's just been 24 hours since my birthday party ended, and I myself can't believe that I made through the day with very little sleep since I mounted the day before. I was absolutely angsty since the moment I reached home because I was so tired. Decos weren't even up, the cake not collected and then I was hungry since the breakfast was absolutely horrible. Used my com and listened to some music to calm myself down, settled the decos and slept on my chair for around 30 minutes. Still angst I headed to Clementi with my brother to get the cake and lunch.

Fast forward to the party, my army friends messed with my computer and changed the wallpaper to my eye candy (meh). Loads of laughter with the helium and our stomachs were full with the dinner and drinks. I gave a speech with the words that came right from my heart in front of everyone, I guess it was the first so I knew I was pretty nervous but since my mum told me to cut it short so I summed it up as much as possible.

Sang the birthday song and then I had a private chat with Namra as she was the one that helped me the most. be it the planning or the carrying of some of the decos. I gave a 2 tight hugs as a form of my gratitude to her, she also even gave me a pair of skinny jeans from ZARA which definitely cost her quite a bit of money. My army friends gave me a wallet from Braun Buffel, but what everyone gave me was their valuable time that they have set aside for me. Lastly was the wish book, everyone wrote some messages for me, I read every single one of them and I could say that I was so touched as I never knew what exactly my friends thought about me and they wrote very nice things about me.

Went out for supper with one of my bros, had Mexican cheese fries while my bro had Grilled chicken chop and a cup of iced milo. We walked down Holland Village while chatting about our recent life occurrences, headed for home after that. My parents cleaned up the place and changed my bed sheets too, I was so touched by their efforts and I could hear them sleeping so soundly.

Really thankful for my family as they helped me in every single part of the journey in my life, be it primary school, secondary school, poly or even army. They never gave up on me even though I gave them trouble after trouble, time and time again.

Time to sleep soon. but I guess I will have difficulty sleeping. Not in a bad way though, I'm smiling like a happy 5 year old kid whilst typing this blog post. Hopefully I do fall asleep soon! :)

8th of October

Did the final prep for the birthday celebration this coming Saturday, and faced with some difficulties such as the balloons not being able to be pumped because the mouth is tightly sealed etc. Solved them nevertheless:)

Besides doing the prep work for my party this Saturday, I also went back to watch one of my favourite childhood shows, Avatar: The Last Airbender. I enjoyed every moment while watching, and it took me a total of 2 days to finish watching the whole series (I actually didn't watch from episode 1 as I felt that the starting was a little boring). The final fight between the Avatar and the fire lord was so good, I think I rematches the whole fight for at least 5 times. In addition I think the female characters in the series, some of them are pretty attractive, it's been a long time since I've found a cartoon character really attractive to me. Characters like Katara really attracted me the most as she had this never ending kind heart that is filled with love, and furthermore a serving spirit towards the needy and even has healing powers. Another character is Princess Yue from the North Pole, her conservative but kind character also made me attracted to her. 

I think I sound like some crazy man mentioning about how attracted I am to these fictional characters, but meh. Probably going to watch the whole series once more after my birthday. 

Furthermore, I've have broken 2 of my fitness records!!! Which is the most number of push ups did in one day, and also the duration taken to do 200 push ups! Probably converting to a pure calisthenics workout from now on, gotta get my body to recognize what I can do and what I can't. 

Till then, one more mount and it's my birthday party! Adios!

6th of October

Final preparations are done, and I just left 3 more days to my 21st birthday party! Honestly I'm super excited for what is to come, because it's the first time so many of my friends are coming over to my place, and also they can understand the environment that I live in day by day :)

Sadly the cake maker wasn't able to put the image that I wanted onto the cake itself as there were some copyright issues, oh well. At least I know deep down inside my heart, that photo will be my driving strength in the future and will definitely shape my character for the better. Spent quite some time talking to my mum about the food that I was planning to order from the caterer since my parents are not going to cook as they feel that it's easier for them to order and cleaning up will definitely be way easier as compared to cooking dish after dish by themselves.

Now I've just got 2 more mounts to complete and I will be able to see the happy faces of all of my friends that I am inviting this coming Saturday:)

22th of September

A few more days and it is the end of September! *plays the Green Day song* :D

October is coming and it shows me 2 things, firstly it's my 21st birthday and secondly I have only 258 days left to the end of my service. I've come a long way, from the countless order ins, looking at different 'chio' female camp visitors, gossiping about the crazy perm staff to enduring all of the retarded BS that my PC is giving us. 

I have gained weight back into the healthy range, which is close to 70kg. My running and statics have improved dramatically ever since I completed Polytechnic, so you say that I've changed a lot for the better in terms of physical appearance. 

Recently been chatting and meeting up old friends. There's one friend that I want to share, I used to dislike her in Secondary school because I thought she was very snobbish, attention seeking etc. But when I met up with her after she wanted to meet me after a long 5 years, and her physical image changed A LOT, like as if she was a completely new person (yes, in terms of character too). She's a great listener and gives very constructive feedback when it comes to certain topics like work and life, a good friend indeed. The best part? She even agreed to bring me to a bar which I've never been to before, she also promised to buy me a drink which I could drink and chat with her into the night. An experience I can't wait to try out! :D

Preparations for my 21st is still on-going, I do hope my party will a enjoyable one, will carry on planning as the day draws closer and closer *nervous meme* Like what the old man said, "Fail to plan? Plan to fail. Simple." Will have to put in 110% effort for the planning next week :D

Alright time to sleep!

Justin

13th of September

"The first step into solving a problem is realizing that there is one"

I have been a terrible person these few months, venting my anger and frustration onto my peers and my best friends around me. I have even hurt my family without knowing it.

So what happened to me these few months? I have been jealous, my ego has taken over me, my rage controlled my actions and emotions, I have been a crazy desperate person. Most importantly, I have been terribly intimidated by the people around me, be it whether it is by my friends or family.

To the love of my life, I have never forgotten you one single bit ever since day 1, yes I may have eye candies every now and then, but the person that never left my heart was you. I will probably never have the courage to talk to you ever again, let alone ask you out once more. I'm happy for you for what you have become, reborn with Christ. Congratulations on your baptism and may you have the strength and love to make a positive impact on other people's lives. Never stop showing the world your beautiful smile and I do hope you will find someone that is truly capable of making you smile, forever.

To all of the people that I have made them frown upon me, or shake their heads when they think about a person like me, I'm truly sorry for my terrible attitude and actions once again, I know it is not the first time this has happened, I will definitely work on it and I will emerge as a better person in the future. I know I will not be able to apologize right in front of your faces, but I feel this is the first step into an apology.

9th of September

This week, a terrible week so far. I really can't wait for this week to end because of all the crap that I'm facing and bullshit I have to deal with from the people around me. Firstly, the blue ticks and flying of aeroplanes. Really got sick and tired of this shit, not forgetting the one word replies that people have been giving me.

Am I a person that is too boring? Am I a person that is easily taken for granted and bullied? Am I a person that people think they can ignore?

Fuck all this shit, if people decide to treat me like this, then I guess it's time to cut those people off and scratch them off the list, one at a time, since they feel that I'm not needed in their lives then I won't need those people in my lives too.

At least my friends in the army understand how I feel, they even cheer me up and get me drinks. Really grateful for for them by my side, the juniors are really nice and cooperative. I also admire the fact that they respect a person like me, judging from the fact that I'm a terrible person and they still get along and respect me, I really can't be more thankful for them.

29th of August

Recently people have been ignoring me over texts, I texted people and I get either blue ticked, or no reply at all. No idea whether is it me that is the reason why they are not replying me, or it is just that they are busy with their lives. I would certainly hope that it's not me that's the problem, oh well.

Guess I would just do some self-reflection on the things that I've done recently.

1st of August

Amidst the very busy schedule in camp, been feeling a little emotionally unstable for the last few days.

Have you ever felt hope on the progression of something that you lacked in the past, but suddenly that one small amount of hope is just suddenly taken away from you? Fuck that, besides that stupid shit, I guess it's my body that is deciding whether to cling on and not to fall sick, or to just give up and let me fall completely sick (some what like a one time good one illness).

Just yesterday I saw this very attractive lady right at my workplace. You know, when else can you see an attractive lady in some screwed up camp? Sadly I could only see her for a good 10 seconds before she turned and left.

And yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, my heart fluttered when I saw her smile during the short period when I saw her. Even my commander that was working in the office was stunned when he saw her, guess her beauty has a very strong effect on all of us (in a good way of course).

3 more mounts to go, and I will be breaking the record for the most number of mounts in a row in the platoon and in the entire company. It is something not worth celebrating but I guess I know where my limit is.

12th of July

The week has ended, and guess what? I have to return to the dreaded camp tomorrow morning and mount again (14 hours mount FTW!). Enjoyed my one week of rest with my friends, going from camp too camp and attending passing out parades/ceremony to night chilling sessions with some beautiful ladies last wednesday.

I guess I'm ready for this upcoming week, 13 mounts in a row to tackle.

11th of July - Pride

Pride in myself is something I always wanted to have. I have been mostly proud of the people around me, like recently I've got 2 friends that endured the 'torture' that army threw to them. One of them managed to complete his BMT after a grueling 5 months on a desolate island, while the other finished medical training after a 12 week course. I might not know what my other friends have went through previously in their lives, but to be able to see them at this very day, I'm proud of them for pulling through struggle after struggle.

However I'm faced with this small little problem, which is when I see the people around me accomplishing great things in their lives, and then I take a look at myself. I seem to have this sense of inferiority. A good example are my BMT mates that went to Officer Cadet School.

Just an hour ago I saw their pictures - pictures posing with their swords that signifies the authority bestowed upon to lead, influence, change and bless the lives of the soldiers under charge. They looked really smart in their pictures, especially my buddy that made me change for the better as a person. 

For some reason when I was about to post the picture online with my friend in my smartest uniform, I hesitated. Hesitated because I was afraid that I would be judged, reason being they are OCS while I'm just a lowly vocationalist. Oh well, this problem of being judged by others still lurks somewhere inside me while I continue on with my life.

It's something I have to work on, and hopefully I will achieve enlightenment as soon as possible.

7th of July

Finally at least a week's rest from camp, been so tired lately with the constant mounts and dismounts from camp. Many things happened recently and I just felt like sharing it here (well even though no one reads but I don't really care).

First thing is the inner battle in your heart and mind. The battle with my mind started because of the inner temptations that my mind and body craves, resulting tons of guilt being felt again and again. Food is one of the sinful temptations, been having tons of 'tze char' or '煮炒‘ every other day in camp, or we will end up eating fast food like KFC and McDonald's if we didn't had 'tze char'. The result? The obvious drop in stamina and the tightening on my tight fit army uniform, and it got way more difficult to put on.

Oh well, had a terrible migraine for 13 days straight, gastric problems for 4 days and my aching right joint near my hip ever since the migraine started :\ That gave me even more problems because with the aching joint I wasn't able to go and run as often as I planned to go, every step that I took when I moved forward just hurt so much that my mind is just telling me not to carry on after a certain distance. Migraine and gastric went away, but my leg still hurts. Doctor said it might be a posture problem and also the problem with me sitting down too often (sigh, I'm sitting down as a I work in camp, so in the end the amount of times that I sit compared to standing will still be more no matter what :\).

Next, love hurts. I still think of her after 2 long years, she's moved on while I'm still trying to. Every time I see a lady of my age, the first thing that comes into my mind is her, I will subconsciously ask her questions that I want to her to know in my head, questions like how is she doing, whether she's coping well with university and such. When I pay a visit back to her Facebook profile, and I see that she's smiling angelically as always in her photographs, then all my questions to her have been answered. Even though I know she's not smiling at me or for me, one thing's for sure, she's indeed happy with her life and that I should feel happy for her too. Whether I will see her in the future, that's one very difficult question to answer, but I will always be supporting her from the darkness and shadows.

They say that love can make you do extraordinary things, but love has made me blind and I know that because I sometimes feel like I'm pushing people away from me because I'm feeling moody and thinking of her, I don't know luh.

At least I've got a week to rest, and I have to settle the problem with my leg once and for all. I had to postpone the recent IPPT because I couldn't run properly, and next I want to go to the restaurant at the botanic gardens with my friends because they serve very good food there:)

Till then, continuing life with my injured right leg :\

27th of May

Couldn't wait to dismount from camp, because I was battling a flu and a terrible headache for the last 24 hours. Dismounted anyway, left camp quickly and went back to SP to buy the standard breakfast that I always have after an overnight mount in camp. 

The graduation ceremonies just ended recently, and as I walked past the main skate park and the long pathway with the long railings, I could remember every single thing that I did during that day. More precisely, the things that I did, said and the moments which I confessed my feelings for her. Its been more than 2 years since the day I started having feelings for her, the heart fluttering moments, all the times where I get to see her, every single moment felt like heaven, to be precise, every time I saw her I feel like I am seeing heaven's most beautiful angel.

Peers have telling me to set my heart right by letting go and moving on. I thought I had that settled out, as I thought I was thinking of her as often as before. However the memories of me and her, still remain inside my head as if everything happened just yesterday. 

She's move on with her life, enjoying her overseas vacation and putting her 100% into her University life. While I'm current executing my plans for the rest of my NS life, I am also trying to keep myself fit the for now. 

Every now and then I see her appear at my Facebook's home page, her smiles and her lovely eyes. At least they assure me that she's doing fine and that I should feel happy for her just as how she is happy with her life now.

With that I shall stop here, will update with a new post soon :)

21st of April

Have been absolutely busy in camp, with the non stop mounting and dismounting, time some how seemed to pass really quickly from every mount and dismount. Here I am, just chilling on my bed in the bunk, I shall share about what I did for the past 2 weeks.

Exactly half of it was spent in camp doing overnight duties, so let's not talk about that. I went to watch Fast and Furious 7 with Nams, met her at around roughly after lunchtime, then we wanted to have pizza so we headed to Pizza hut to get 3 personal pan pizzas. While waiting for the pizzas to be ready, we went around getting some items that Nam needed for her birthday. Went to Popular to gather the items, got some strong tape, 2 pairs of scissors, some more tape and a small stack of construction papers. But in the end, we just put every thing back since she said it wasn't that urgent to get the stuffs.

Walked around again and saw this stall that sold many kinds of deserts and treats, so Nam got herself a Choco cupcake, while I got myself and éclair. Got the pizzas and headed for the cinema. The movie was extremely badass, especially the Rock at the final part of the movie, the feels were real too but I shall leave that for the movie to explain for itself. Since Nam had to leave for another place, I accompanied her to the station chatted with her for a bit, gave her a tight and loving hug before we parted ways.

Went to watch another movie with Sabby. Wanted to watch the con artists but since the tickets were sold out so we went to watch the movie 'Home', this cartoon like movie that has Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez
voicing in that movie. The movie has this cute orange cat that I couldn't stop telling Sabby that it was so cute and lovely. I would say the movie had a few learning points that links to reality, but like again, I will leave it for the movie to explain for itself.

My section mate Bryan introduced to me this Maple story private server, which I think it totally rocks because its extremely stable, meaning there are very little disconnection occurrences. Furthermore the rates are pretty much similar to the actual servers so I tried it out and I can't stop playing it right now

*will continue the rest of this post because I need some rest from my dismount!*

29th of March - Recover, Regret and Recall

As I sit in front of my computer at this timing, just thinking about the many things that are inside my head and also the images that project out into my subconscious mind. Everything that happened on the past 2 days are just so bittersweet and surreal.

I contemplated and wanted to give you just one phone call, I wanted to see you face again and hear you lovely voice just one more time. Called you and to my delight, you picked up the phone and you gave me the most cheerful salutation I ever received. Hesitating, I asked you if you were free to go out and have grilled salmon with me at the restaurant nearby your house. To my surprise you were able to come and I was obviously overjoyed. I stopped doing every thing 2 hours before just to prepare myself for this meal with you. Went to bathed, sprayed my best perfume and then styled my hair for a good half an hour, before heading out of the house. Along the way, I was absolutely nervous, I was worried if my hairstyle was okay, whether was I sweating too excessively which might cause me to smell even though I had perfume on, I was worried if I could swallow the food down as I know this is a very special and heart fluttering meal with you.

I reached and only waited for a good 5 minutes before you arrived, and when you walked to me, it was like a beautiful angel descending from the sky, and you smiled angelically at me like how you did that day one year ago to me. As you sat down on the seat opposite me, my heart was beating extremely quickly as I only thought this meal would only happen in my wildest imagination. We chatted like as if we just met up the previous day. The whole time I couldn't stop noticing your angelic smile, plus the cute and dorky voice of yours. Time past very quickly and then before I knew it, the meal was over and you had to go to somewhere else for another meetup. I shook your hand before you turned and left, but the moment your hand slipped out of mine and you turned to leave, my heart broke into a million pieces. I really wanted to tell you once more that I really loved you so much, that by just not being able to tell you, makes my heart ache even more. To me this meal wasn't just any meal, as this meal signifies my first and last meal with you, before I start to properly let you go from my heart. 

My heart was crying out to you at the farewell, as much as I didn't want to let you go and just tell you how much I really loved you. After you left, I just felt really confused and empty, as I really didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I needed to do. I just wandered aimlessly around the area, just hoping that I will be able to find something that will distract myself out of you. I found myself walking back to the restaurant where we ate, and I looked at the person that was eating the meal which was exactly what you ordered. 

My heart sank once more, and I felt like I was about to plunge into rock bottom once again. 

Boarded the train and I left for home, Felt better along the was as I listened to my favourite song. Lyrics went, "You come to me in the fluttering wind, and you come to me once more under the blinding sunshine" 

There will always be hope and the light of hope will shine at me as in progress further into my life.

As for the love of my life, thank you for crossing paths into my life and that everything about you has been so lovely since the day I knew you. However it's time for me to let go of you no matter how painful it is, and I will never forget how amazing you are as a person to me. 

Thank you

20th of March

Its been a month since I last made a post and more importantly, last recovered from the 'rock bottom' feels.

So what have I been doing these few weeks? Army, just army and very little time to myself. Overnight guard mounts once every 2 days, and the only time I get to rest is during the guard dismount after leaving camp, and it all just ties up to one word, shag.

Breakfast after reaching home or McDonalds breakfast a good bathe and a long, long sleep.

Main point is that I have been feeling extremely mad these few days, or I would say just simply easily annoyed, be it from just the presence of people at the wrong time, pissed till the point something small would make me blow my top while I'm gaming or to even things like not wanting to talk to anyone. Either I'm really sleep deprived from all the irregular sleeping hours during guard mount days, or I'm about to really get brain damage and start developing cancer or something.

Guess the only thing that I'm working on right now and probably the only thing going right, is my revision of my poly schoolwork during the silent hours. I have studied up to 7 chapters and have encountered some difficulties while trying out chapter 7's tutorials. Oh well, at least I still have quite alot of time left at that place, studying will make me take my mind off all the stuff that is going on in my head, and not forgetting gaming and good food when I dismount from camp and get back home.

9 straight mounts coming up, and I think I'm pretty much prepared for it, except for the night drills which will drain all the life out of me as it causes me to lose sleep over it.

Justin

20th of February

Came home from guard dismount with a terrible headache because it was the first time I tanked many hours on duty. Sat on the bus with my eyes closing, when I was about to reach my stop, I could have swore the bus driver was jokingly trying to signal to me to keep my eyes open, guess he was trying to help me in a good way :)

Reached home feeling absolutely hungry because I didn't get to buy my McDonalds breakfast because the outlet at SP was closed. So I just ate some hot dogs with eggs, and a cup of Ramen because I was still hungry. Wolfed all of the food down and started watching CNBLUE's performances on the FNC Kingdom concert, then started playing Yuri's Revenge as I download a lot of maps. Mum wanted me to sleep as she knew I didn't sleep a lot and we had to go out later on for a visit, so she switched on the air-con for me while I was still gaming.

Slept anyway, woke up and got changed as my parents were about to leave the house. Took public transport there, and reached in no time. We were warmly welcomed as we haven't been seeing each other for a year. Family after family arrived, and everyone looked grown up, the sons looked more mature and the daughters looked more beautiful. Chatted and played card games into the evening, and then was the prosperity toss before taking some pictures before leaving for home.

It was a great day and I enjoyed every moment of it, I do hope the next year will be even better, more laughter and food :D

16th of February

As usual I dragged my feet to camp early in the morning, was half conscious in the bus while listening to music. I guess it was the music that kept me awake (Can't stop me now~) :D Reached camp, got changed and started doing morning duties. At the post I was carry out duties alone, while the other posts had my upper study section mates watching over them. I'm not sure if they didn't want to stand with me, or whether they didn't like me in some way, or whether they felt that I didn't need any help, I didn't know the actual reason so I just continued doing my duties.

Went to canteen after duties and bought drink for my ST friends, before heading to the sofa and chill on it. Slept for around an hour before heading down for lunch. Lunch was totally horrible, the fish was a hard as a rock, at least the chicken was tasty. Gluped down 2 packet drinks and went to chat with another friend on Whatsapp before actually sleeping on the sofa once more. Ran in the afternoon sun, my skin literally baked and I almost puked out my lunch, guess I haven't been running alot (that's a sign)

After I washed up and got changed, we went to the base dinner at some desolate place at Portsdown Road, a dinner filled with laughter and sheer ridiculousness. The food I would say wasn't really that bad, judging from the fact that we had an 8 course meal, and that the drinks were simple and it fits the food well.

Left for home and bathed, and ended the day by chatting with a new friend that I made 2 days ago. Friendly and kind soul, and not a typical female you talk to on the streets nowadays.

As for the rock bottom state, I'm recovering from it bit by bit, I'm not thinking about it a lot which is a good thing as it takes my attention away from the things that I'm doing. Food and games help me to recover faster, and I hope to be okay by the end of this week. Shall see how things go.

Justin

14th of February

I expected this day to be terrible, but of course I never expected it to be so terrible and demoralizing for me. Started with an overnight duty knowing that I can't have reunion dinner with my family, and guard mount on day 1 of Chinese New Year and also can't attend a reunion lunch with my aunties, uncles and cousins. Fuck everything.

Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.

Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.

Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.

Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.

I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.

Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore

The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered