12th of July

The week has ended, and guess what? I have to return to the dreaded camp tomorrow morning and mount again (14 hours mount FTW!). Enjoyed my one week of rest with my friends, going from camp too camp and attending passing out parades/ceremony to night chilling sessions with some beautiful ladies last wednesday.

I guess I'm ready for this upcoming week, 13 mounts in a row to tackle.

11th of July - Pride

Pride in myself is something I always wanted to have. I have been mostly proud of the people around me, like recently I've got 2 friends that endured the 'torture' that army threw to them. One of them managed to complete his BMT after a grueling 5 months on a desolate island, while the other finished medical training after a 12 week course. I might not know what my other friends have went through previously in their lives, but to be able to see them at this very day, I'm proud of them for pulling through struggle after struggle.

However I'm faced with this small little problem, which is when I see the people around me accomplishing great things in their lives, and then I take a look at myself. I seem to have this sense of inferiority. A good example are my BMT mates that went to Officer Cadet School.

Just an hour ago I saw their pictures - pictures posing with their swords that signifies the authority bestowed upon to lead, influence, change and bless the lives of the soldiers under charge. They looked really smart in their pictures, especially my buddy that made me change for the better as a person. 

For some reason when I was about to post the picture online with my friend in my smartest uniform, I hesitated. Hesitated because I was afraid that I would be judged, reason being they are OCS while I'm just a lowly vocationalist. Oh well, this problem of being judged by others still lurks somewhere inside me while I continue on with my life.

It's something I have to work on, and hopefully I will achieve enlightenment as soon as possible.

7th of July

Finally at least a week's rest from camp, been so tired lately with the constant mounts and dismounts from camp. Many things happened recently and I just felt like sharing it here (well even though no one reads but I don't really care).

First thing is the inner battle in your heart and mind. The battle with my mind started because of the inner temptations that my mind and body craves, resulting tons of guilt being felt again and again. Food is one of the sinful temptations, been having tons of 'tze char' or '煮炒‘ every other day in camp, or we will end up eating fast food like KFC and McDonald's if we didn't had 'tze char'. The result? The obvious drop in stamina and the tightening on my tight fit army uniform, and it got way more difficult to put on.

Oh well, had a terrible migraine for 13 days straight, gastric problems for 4 days and my aching right joint near my hip ever since the migraine started :\ That gave me even more problems because with the aching joint I wasn't able to go and run as often as I planned to go, every step that I took when I moved forward just hurt so much that my mind is just telling me not to carry on after a certain distance. Migraine and gastric went away, but my leg still hurts. Doctor said it might be a posture problem and also the problem with me sitting down too often (sigh, I'm sitting down as a I work in camp, so in the end the amount of times that I sit compared to standing will still be more no matter what :\).

Next, love hurts. I still think of her after 2 long years, she's moved on while I'm still trying to. Every time I see a lady of my age, the first thing that comes into my mind is her, I will subconsciously ask her questions that I want to her to know in my head, questions like how is she doing, whether she's coping well with university and such. When I pay a visit back to her Facebook profile, and I see that she's smiling angelically as always in her photographs, then all my questions to her have been answered. Even though I know she's not smiling at me or for me, one thing's for sure, she's indeed happy with her life and that I should feel happy for her too. Whether I will see her in the future, that's one very difficult question to answer, but I will always be supporting her from the darkness and shadows.

They say that love can make you do extraordinary things, but love has made me blind and I know that because I sometimes feel like I'm pushing people away from me because I'm feeling moody and thinking of her, I don't know luh.

At least I've got a week to rest, and I have to settle the problem with my leg once and for all. I had to postpone the recent IPPT because I couldn't run properly, and next I want to go to the restaurant at the botanic gardens with my friends because they serve very good food there:)

Till then, continuing life with my injured right leg :\

27th of May

Couldn't wait to dismount from camp, because I was battling a flu and a terrible headache for the last 24 hours. Dismounted anyway, left camp quickly and went back to SP to buy the standard breakfast that I always have after an overnight mount in camp. 

The graduation ceremonies just ended recently, and as I walked past the main skate park and the long pathway with the long railings, I could remember every single thing that I did during that day. More precisely, the things that I did, said and the moments which I confessed my feelings for her. Its been more than 2 years since the day I started having feelings for her, the heart fluttering moments, all the times where I get to see her, every single moment felt like heaven, to be precise, every time I saw her I feel like I am seeing heaven's most beautiful angel.

Peers have telling me to set my heart right by letting go and moving on. I thought I had that settled out, as I thought I was thinking of her as often as before. However the memories of me and her, still remain inside my head as if everything happened just yesterday. 

She's move on with her life, enjoying her overseas vacation and putting her 100% into her University life. While I'm current executing my plans for the rest of my NS life, I am also trying to keep myself fit the for now. 

Every now and then I see her appear at my Facebook's home page, her smiles and her lovely eyes. At least they assure me that she's doing fine and that I should feel happy for her just as how she is happy with her life now.

With that I shall stop here, will update with a new post soon :)

21st of April

Have been absolutely busy in camp, with the non stop mounting and dismounting, time some how seemed to pass really quickly from every mount and dismount. Here I am, just chilling on my bed in the bunk, I shall share about what I did for the past 2 weeks.

Exactly half of it was spent in camp doing overnight duties, so let's not talk about that. I went to watch Fast and Furious 7 with Nams, met her at around roughly after lunchtime, then we wanted to have pizza so we headed to Pizza hut to get 3 personal pan pizzas. While waiting for the pizzas to be ready, we went around getting some items that Nam needed for her birthday. Went to Popular to gather the items, got some strong tape, 2 pairs of scissors, some more tape and a small stack of construction papers. But in the end, we just put every thing back since she said it wasn't that urgent to get the stuffs.

Walked around again and saw this stall that sold many kinds of deserts and treats, so Nam got herself a Choco cupcake, while I got myself and éclair. Got the pizzas and headed for the cinema. The movie was extremely badass, especially the Rock at the final part of the movie, the feels were real too but I shall leave that for the movie to explain for itself. Since Nam had to leave for another place, I accompanied her to the station chatted with her for a bit, gave her a tight and loving hug before we parted ways.

Went to watch another movie with Sabby. Wanted to watch the con artists but since the tickets were sold out so we went to watch the movie 'Home', this cartoon like movie that has Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez
voicing in that movie. The movie has this cute orange cat that I couldn't stop telling Sabby that it was so cute and lovely. I would say the movie had a few learning points that links to reality, but like again, I will leave it for the movie to explain for itself.

My section mate Bryan introduced to me this Maple story private server, which I think it totally rocks because its extremely stable, meaning there are very little disconnection occurrences. Furthermore the rates are pretty much similar to the actual servers so I tried it out and I can't stop playing it right now

*will continue the rest of this post because I need some rest from my dismount!*

29th of March - Recover, Regret and Recall

As I sit in front of my computer at this timing, just thinking about the many things that are inside my head and also the images that project out into my subconscious mind. Everything that happened on the past 2 days are just so bittersweet and surreal.

I contemplated and wanted to give you just one phone call, I wanted to see you face again and hear you lovely voice just one more time. Called you and to my delight, you picked up the phone and you gave me the most cheerful salutation I ever received. Hesitating, I asked you if you were free to go out and have grilled salmon with me at the restaurant nearby your house. To my surprise you were able to come and I was obviously overjoyed. I stopped doing every thing 2 hours before just to prepare myself for this meal with you. Went to bathed, sprayed my best perfume and then styled my hair for a good half an hour, before heading out of the house. Along the way, I was absolutely nervous, I was worried if my hairstyle was okay, whether was I sweating too excessively which might cause me to smell even though I had perfume on, I was worried if I could swallow the food down as I know this is a very special and heart fluttering meal with you.

I reached and only waited for a good 5 minutes before you arrived, and when you walked to me, it was like a beautiful angel descending from the sky, and you smiled angelically at me like how you did that day one year ago to me. As you sat down on the seat opposite me, my heart was beating extremely quickly as I only thought this meal would only happen in my wildest imagination. We chatted like as if we just met up the previous day. The whole time I couldn't stop noticing your angelic smile, plus the cute and dorky voice of yours. Time past very quickly and then before I knew it, the meal was over and you had to go to somewhere else for another meetup. I shook your hand before you turned and left, but the moment your hand slipped out of mine and you turned to leave, my heart broke into a million pieces. I really wanted to tell you once more that I really loved you so much, that by just not being able to tell you, makes my heart ache even more. To me this meal wasn't just any meal, as this meal signifies my first and last meal with you, before I start to properly let you go from my heart. 

My heart was crying out to you at the farewell, as much as I didn't want to let you go and just tell you how much I really loved you. After you left, I just felt really confused and empty, as I really didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I needed to do. I just wandered aimlessly around the area, just hoping that I will be able to find something that will distract myself out of you. I found myself walking back to the restaurant where we ate, and I looked at the person that was eating the meal which was exactly what you ordered. 

My heart sank once more, and I felt like I was about to plunge into rock bottom once again. 

Boarded the train and I left for home, Felt better along the was as I listened to my favourite song. Lyrics went, "You come to me in the fluttering wind, and you come to me once more under the blinding sunshine" 

There will always be hope and the light of hope will shine at me as in progress further into my life.

As for the love of my life, thank you for crossing paths into my life and that everything about you has been so lovely since the day I knew you. However it's time for me to let go of you no matter how painful it is, and I will never forget how amazing you are as a person to me. 

Thank you

20th of March

Its been a month since I last made a post and more importantly, last recovered from the 'rock bottom' feels.

So what have I been doing these few weeks? Army, just army and very little time to myself. Overnight guard mounts once every 2 days, and the only time I get to rest is during the guard dismount after leaving camp, and it all just ties up to one word, shag.

Breakfast after reaching home or McDonalds breakfast a good bathe and a long, long sleep.

Main point is that I have been feeling extremely mad these few days, or I would say just simply easily annoyed, be it from just the presence of people at the wrong time, pissed till the point something small would make me blow my top while I'm gaming or to even things like not wanting to talk to anyone. Either I'm really sleep deprived from all the irregular sleeping hours during guard mount days, or I'm about to really get brain damage and start developing cancer or something.

Guess the only thing that I'm working on right now and probably the only thing going right, is my revision of my poly schoolwork during the silent hours. I have studied up to 7 chapters and have encountered some difficulties while trying out chapter 7's tutorials. Oh well, at least I still have quite alot of time left at that place, studying will make me take my mind off all the stuff that is going on in my head, and not forgetting gaming and good food when I dismount from camp and get back home.

9 straight mounts coming up, and I think I'm pretty much prepared for it, except for the night drills which will drain all the life out of me as it causes me to lose sleep over it.

Justin

20th of February

Came home from guard dismount with a terrible headache because it was the first time I tanked many hours on duty. Sat on the bus with my eyes closing, when I was about to reach my stop, I could have swore the bus driver was jokingly trying to signal to me to keep my eyes open, guess he was trying to help me in a good way :)

Reached home feeling absolutely hungry because I didn't get to buy my McDonalds breakfast because the outlet at SP was closed. So I just ate some hot dogs with eggs, and a cup of Ramen because I was still hungry. Wolfed all of the food down and started watching CNBLUE's performances on the FNC Kingdom concert, then started playing Yuri's Revenge as I download a lot of maps. Mum wanted me to sleep as she knew I didn't sleep a lot and we had to go out later on for a visit, so she switched on the air-con for me while I was still gaming.

Slept anyway, woke up and got changed as my parents were about to leave the house. Took public transport there, and reached in no time. We were warmly welcomed as we haven't been seeing each other for a year. Family after family arrived, and everyone looked grown up, the sons looked more mature and the daughters looked more beautiful. Chatted and played card games into the evening, and then was the prosperity toss before taking some pictures before leaving for home.

It was a great day and I enjoyed every moment of it, I do hope the next year will be even better, more laughter and food :D

16th of February

As usual I dragged my feet to camp early in the morning, was half conscious in the bus while listening to music. I guess it was the music that kept me awake (Can't stop me now~) :D Reached camp, got changed and started doing morning duties. At the post I was carry out duties alone, while the other posts had my upper study section mates watching over them. I'm not sure if they didn't want to stand with me, or whether they didn't like me in some way, or whether they felt that I didn't need any help, I didn't know the actual reason so I just continued doing my duties.

Went to canteen after duties and bought drink for my ST friends, before heading to the sofa and chill on it. Slept for around an hour before heading down for lunch. Lunch was totally horrible, the fish was a hard as a rock, at least the chicken was tasty. Gluped down 2 packet drinks and went to chat with another friend on Whatsapp before actually sleeping on the sofa once more. Ran in the afternoon sun, my skin literally baked and I almost puked out my lunch, guess I haven't been running alot (that's a sign)

After I washed up and got changed, we went to the base dinner at some desolate place at Portsdown Road, a dinner filled with laughter and sheer ridiculousness. The food I would say wasn't really that bad, judging from the fact that we had an 8 course meal, and that the drinks were simple and it fits the food well.

Left for home and bathed, and ended the day by chatting with a new friend that I made 2 days ago. Friendly and kind soul, and not a typical female you talk to on the streets nowadays.

As for the rock bottom state, I'm recovering from it bit by bit, I'm not thinking about it a lot which is a good thing as it takes my attention away from the things that I'm doing. Food and games help me to recover faster, and I hope to be okay by the end of this week. Shall see how things go.

Justin

14th of February

I expected this day to be terrible, but of course I never expected it to be so terrible and demoralizing for me. Started with an overnight duty knowing that I can't have reunion dinner with my family, and guard mount on day 1 of Chinese New Year and also can't attend a reunion lunch with my aunties, uncles and cousins. Fuck everything.

Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.

Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.

Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.

Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.

I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.

Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore

The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered

9th of February

I think it's has been a month since I last posted something, so another boring month in my NS life, only looking forward to going home every time I enter camp, oh well I can't do much since I am already posted to Gombak. Only thing I can do is to firstly look forward to the McDonalds breakfast when I leave camp after an overnight duty.

In the past month I attended a few friends 21st birthdays and I would say they pretty much enjoyed themselves, be it from being thrown into the pool, cake smashed into their faces or even playing simple drinking and potato chips games. And I will be celebrating my 21st birthday in camp, unfair much to be honest. I don't even get to enjoy myself on my birthday and I have to endure scolding from people that don't even care whether it's your birthday or not. 

Moody as usual these few days, kept playing counter strike to get my head back in track with the sniping and knifing of the enemies, and not forgetting the goal that I'm working towards, which is getting the 'Luminosity Bringer' title. Besides gaming, have been working out a little. Usually I don't really have the mood to go and exercise, but the fact that I have been pretty demoralized and pissed with myself, I decided to turn the personal insults and hatred, into energy for exercise. Ran around 3+km every 2 days, pretty much has burned off all the calories I get from consuming canteen food. 

Right now I'm chilling on a sofa in camp, just thinking about future events and plans. Plans for this year? Get a new PC, maintain my silver grade for IPPT, treat my parents to restaurant food at least 4 times, and lastly get my head back in track when it comes to love. Still remembering one year ago, when I was ridiculously in love, as I haven't really changed my lifestyle, eating all sorts of rubbish foods and sleeping at ridiculous hours. One year later, I'm much better and physically stronger and a little mentally stronger, so life isn't as bad as last time. Guess sleep, scoldings and canteen food are my best friends when I'm alone in the army and I can't use my phone at the same time. Maybe I forgot to add in the drinks after the food but oh well, they come together as a package.

Nice people every now and then that actually understands the stuff that you are doing, and actually am willing to talk to you about it, unlike people that just give zero fucks to you and won't care what happen even though you are really in need of help and need someone to talk to.

In the mean time, I will just chill like a cat sitting at the corner of the room.

Justin

Start of 2015, 1st of January

Looking back at the entire of 2014, at the start of the year with me still being entirely trolling around in class with the gang, imitating lecturers like LPY or AYCP, and also times when I fell sick or very often, lovesick. Walking around school aimlessly and also looking for her while I walk past places with the times I was the closest to her, seemingly like a replay, I was able to see everything from a 3rd person's perspective.

Nonetheless, listening in lecturers and the ultimate crash course revisions before tests or exams. The spirit of helping was quite present at that moment, people helping out each other's. Not forgetting the steamboat and BBQ sessions at Sum's house, and then the heart fluttering moments when I see her around in school, then friends will be like, "Go sit near her or something! *with the smirk on their faces*"

Heart fluttering moments once more during the EEE grad party and graduation ceremony once more, plus the confession of my feelings for her too and the gift for her, totally one of the bravest moments of my life, basically having the balls to go up and tell her in person.

Went to work part time back at my internship place, guess my love for laptops is huge so I don't mind handling them once more. Faced with a lot of stomach problems when working over there because the meal times were absolutely irregular and really screwed my stomach, seen the doctor many times and also went to see the Chinese physician, got a ton of medication and then just consume on time. Computer spoiled, so I just went back to the previous workplace to get it fixed, went to cyber cafés to game when I really had the urge to game. But when I didn't had the urge, went to help 2 of my younger friends with geography notes since I was pretty strong in geography :D

Then came army, something that I really didn't look forward to. 8/7/2014, enlisted to the army, Pulau Tekong BMTC School 4, 3rd Company Platoon 4 Section 2. Went through 9 weeks of basic military training and then not forgetting the long and gruesome route marches, especially the 24km march, my body started breaking down after the 18km mark. Nevertheless, endure through everything and threw my cap up high when everything was over. What came after that was a nice McDonalds breakfast with my family before heading home to unpack every single sweaty and smelly stuff in my field pack before getting some nice & well deserved sleep :D

Posted to MPTS (Military Police Training School), and had to stay in for another 9 weeks, did alot of area cleaning, listening to lectures and MP close combat training which was the hell training because there were lots of break falls, smacking on the ground and not forgetting the punishments which comes in the form of break falls instead of push ups. But there were many friendly Warrant Officers and Specialists, but there were also commanders that all of us didn't like. Oh well, completed the course and got posted to Gombak, the most depressing place for an MP to go. Oh well one and a half more years to go, before I will be able to screw off from the army and not head back to the most depressing place for an MP.

2015, I hope to be fitter, and most importantly let go of her as I think it's just time to. Liking her has made me focus all of my attention and mind on her, sort of has made me blind to people around me. She's definitely one very unique person, a one of a kind person (in a good way of course), someone that I will never ever forget. For all you know, I might be able to see her once more in the future, but as a friend, not someone that I have feelings for, hopefully.

15th of December

And so I came across this article, which was titled: 'Unrequited Love: The Pain Of Loving Someone When It’s One-Sided.'

After reading it, my heart ached as if the tendons inside snapped, or maybe like I got stabbed or something. I will quote a large part of the article down here:

"You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where he or she tells you he or she doesn’t feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

The next thing you know, you’re in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can’t get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all."

Yup that's probably how I'm feeling for the past 2 weeks. Won't say anymore.

14th of December

Time flies, whether it has been fast or slow. Managed to clear my IPPT last friday but sadly no silver because I screwed up my pull ups and my sit ups, therefore I won't even get a single cent from the government. But luckily due to the fact that I cleared my IPPT, I will definitely get my corporal rank soon within the course of my service, hopefully soon as I look forward to the pay rise.

Left less than an hour before I actually leave home for camp, such a 'sian' feeling but I do know that I am about to graduate from the basic course in less than 6 days, fast isn't it? Weeks ago I was complaining about how slow the course progress was, and look where I am now? I'm about to be a trained Military Policeman, going out to catch or book military offenders.

Family has been supporting me non stop since the start of my BMT until now, and also with the bonding of my section mates, helped me to realize that to get through things, we have to work and suffer together. Gaming also kinda takes away all the stupid thoughts that I have in my head when I'm actually not in camp for the week, and also not forgetting music. I have been repeating a few songs again and again because I just can't seem to not play them when I am listening to music.

Time for dinner soon, actually rushed out this post to fill up the week's number of posts, I sort of made a little promise to update as much as possible and also to remove the laziness of not posting anything. Maybe if I am not tired after routine orders I might actually make another post before I sleep!

10th of December

Just finished my morning physical training, which also includes the nice cold bath and the hot cup of milo and snacks to complete the morning. Exactly midweek of the 8th week and one more week to the end of the course. 

In addition, it has been exactly one week since I contacted her. She hasn't replied me, but I did saw she replied someone else as the other person wrote on her profile. It was this morning when I saw that she replied to her friend. I'll be honest here, I was a little sad, I felt forgotten and that I was just wondering since breakfast till physical training why she didn't reply me. Basically the same old thoughts flooding my head once more.

The more I thought, the more sad and forgotten I felt. It went to the extent that the things that my friends have said to me, suddenly all became true, which is to simply 'Let It Go'. However the thought of letting go has crossed my mind once, but it got covered by the fact that whether I was able to find someone with a very similar character and personality like hers. 

Right now I'm feeling a little better after the morning physical training, just that I'm still thinking whether it's time to let go and perhaps never be able to find someone like her again, or remain lost while clinging on to that tiny bit of hope and continue to have feelings for her.

She's a wonderful person that I have liked for around 2 years already, and someone I will never be able to forget.

8th of December

My first ever post made in camp, physical training just ended, had a great shower and now I'm having a cup of hot milo while having some snacks. Many things have been going through my head since yesterday night. I couldn't fall asleep that easily, in which I ended up tossing and turning in my bed.

So you may ask, what are the things that have going through my head? Well firstly my family is going overseas for the whole week, so I won't be able to call them or hear their voices. Next, is the fact that I still take other people's judgement of me too seriously, be it in a jokingly manner or for real. A few days ago I went out with a best friend for dinner, as I was travelling up the escalator, a group of young foreign ladies behind started talking about my cap, and for some reason it's stuck inside my head until now, meaning I still could remember what that said word for word.

And lastly, it's about her. It's been months since graduation, and also around a month since I last contacted her. Last Wednesday, due to a minor accident on my phone, I accidentally sent her a 'thumbs up' emoticon. I frantically tried to erase that but to no avail. Therefore I decided to just talk to her once more, giving a simple salutation and asking her how she was. For the entire night until the next morning, I was quite nervous as I was waiting for her reply. 

However until today, she hasn't replied to me, I don't even know whether has she seen the message, whether she is busy or whether she doesn't want to talk to me. Possiblilties are endless, so are my thoughts. Which sometimes sets me thinking, did I say something or do something wrong? Or whether am I too bad of a person?

Right now I just want this day to end fast, so that I can polish my boots and then get some early rest. 

I hope my decision to hold on to that love is not a wrong one, it's tiring but I will still endure.

Justin

6th of December

It's been about more than 3 months since I last posted something, it's due to me being overly lazy or tired from all the army training and the precious time from the book outs during the weekends. But you would probably agree how precious the weekends are if you are in a stay-in combat vocation.

Where am I right now?

I'm a trainee Military Policeman, still currently attending the basic course at the SAF MP Command, the basic course lasts for 9 weeks and this weekend marks the end of the 7th week. Reviving the memories from BMT, 3rd Company has trained me to be more swift when it comes to doing forced preparation, especially when we have to take EVERYTHING out from the field pack and lay it out nicely for commanders to see whether we have all the necessary items inside the field pack. I never regretted being in 3rd Company, firstly I do miss my OC sir, Captain Arthur, and my BMT PC 2LT Tian Jie, without the both of them, I probably will still be some lost sheep wandering around and be super 'blur' about everything.

Was posted to MP command after my BMT, and to be honest, I was quite happy with the posting results as it was what I wanted, but at the same time I was also a little disappointed as I wanted a stay-out vocation, I sort of have something against staying in camps for the week days and booking out during the weekends and then repeating it again and again. Usually nowadays before booking in, I will feel absolutely 'sian', reason being I have to leave home just for some camp and stay in there for 5 days straight before I can get out of that shithole camp and go home. Oh well, but after doing it in BMT and for an additional 6 weeks, I'm kinda used to it already, to the point where booking in is just some compulsory action because if I don't then it's considered 'Absence without official leave'.

During the weekends, I go back to old school, meaning I do things that I used to do when I was young. For example, watching childhood shows like Power Rangers (Yes, don't laugh), or playing old school computer games, while listening to music at the same time. Torrented some movies that I watched before like Johnny English, Ice Age and also not forgetting to watch Seananner's daily comedy gameplay videos.

Shifting everything aside, NS has made me realise that family will definitely play a very very important role in a soldier's training, be it emotional support or mental support. I never fail to spend my time with my family every weekend, be it going out for early morning breakfasts, having some heart to heart talk with my parents, going out with them to shop or even simple things like helping them to buy food or carry their stuff for them. Life is short, I had 2 friends that lost their fathers recently, so I just want to make sure I spend time with my parents as much as I can, strive for the things that I want with the best of my ability and lastly, not to become a disappointment to them like what I was years ago.

I don't want to make my parents feel that they wasted their life supporting me and watching me grow up into some useless person, I want to make sure when I succeed, they will be there in smiles and also will be able to celebrate together with me.

Alright it's pretty late right now, 12:56 am in the morning and I'm sleepy because I ate some medication after I bathed as my fever is about to return. Will get some sleep now and I will most probably create one more blog post before I book in back to camp.

Justin

6th of August

It's 11:15 pm right now, and tomorrow morning I am enlisting to the army, if you ask me once more whether I'm feeling nervous, yes I am. I think it's pretty normal for me to feel this way because it's a whole new environment, no freedom, and loads of authority and control over you. I'm particularly worried about my stomach because these few days it has been giving me quite a number of problems, in which I'm very concerned if whether the problems will resurface when I'm in the army.

Did my packing, but I'm not sure if I have packed everything properly, but then I'm sure I have most of the necessary stuffs needed, and my medication on standby too.

Other than that, I'm just feeling a little mood-less, originally was all nervous but now mood-less as I have no mood to feel nervous and such.

I guess it's time to sleep soon as I don't want to feel tired tomorrow morning, and also that I need time to fall asleep on my own bed for one last time.

Won't be posting anything for the next 2 weeks, but I will be back, hopefully.

4th of August

2 more days of freedom, nothing left to feel but at least I got some accompaniment, the night before Axel said that he wanted to treat me something nice at the nearby mall, so we agreed on having some Texas chicken to eat. I also asked Namra out as I wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy with a friend. Met up with axel and we chatted as we ate lunch, discussed a lot of stuff about national service, I'm just too lazy to think about the hardships that are coming, and also whether my stomach decides to screw everything up at one go when I am alone. I guess this long battle I have to fight it all alone.

So after lunch, Axel had to go somewhere else so I headed down to Somerset to meet Namra. Then we went to Cineleisure to quickly buy the movie tickets, along the way I told her that I still have been contacting 'you know who :D', and the magical thing that happened to me few days back, and Namra started fangirling at the middle of the walkway at the train station. Got the food and movie tickets, then mum called me to discuss with me about the music player that I wanted to get for my national service. So it was between an iPod shuffle and an iPod Nano, so I decided to get something cheap but still useful as I needed something to get rid of my boredom since I probably won't be able to use my main phone during my Basic Military Training.

The movie was a mix of comedy and action, won't spoil any more, go and watch the movie for yourself if you want to know he plot! After the movie we talked for abit on the way back to the train station before we parted ways and head back home. Ate dinner and started gaming, raged quite a bit because of some retarded person that started throwing the game. We decided to play one more match and won convincingly, after that match Eugene went to sleep so me and Axel continued to look at stuff from Kpopmart, they had pretty good merchandise and was also sold at attractively low prices, I might actually purchase some merchandise from there when I book out from my BMT.

For now I have less than 36 hours of freedom and after that I will lose many things, my freedom, my pink IC and all the hair that has been growing on my head since birth until now. I don't know how much things I will gain from getting conscripted in the army, but then for now I guess I just have to remain silent and serve as per normal

No feelings

2nd of August

Woke up late again since I had no mood to do exercises early in the morning, and that since I had to go out later in the afternoon made me just laze in bed longer. Switched on my com and listened to some music before playing some Runescape, mum and dad was watching TV so I just played my own games.

Mum then wanted to go out to Queensway shopping mall to get lunch and also to buy some stuff for me for my National Service. Headed out without any delay and reached Queensway shopping mall, Mum wanted to get some curry chicken, so we went to the Katong laksa stall and ordered a bowl of curry chicken and a small bowl of Laksa for myself :D I ate till my whole body was feeling absolutely warm and my forehead was covered in sweat, I guess I can't tolerate spicy food as well as last time. Managed to eat finish everything, then went to review the list of things that I need to purchase for National Service.

Went to buy a new pair of goggles, then some prickly heat, face washing cream, a running sleeve holder, and a bottle of deodorant. Mum bought some herbal cream for herself, after that I bought some McDonalds for myself, since I was craving it for song long, upsized fillet o fish meal with an extra apple pie for my mum. Went home, ate the food and gamed with Eugene. For the first time I actually wanted to play dota on public matches, first match I played this hero that I never played before, and I actually carried the entire team to victory, and the second game was a little shaky at the start but I still managed to get an ultra kill (4 kills) that changed the entire game in which we ended up winning the game.

The third game I raged badly because we had a teammate that didn't want to listen and kept feeding to the enemy, and also kept disconnecting often so we concluded that that person had a wooden PC. Lost that game but I felt that we put up a good fight, took a break and then did some night exercises after that since I was feeling a little weak and needed to do some exercises to revitalize myself.

After the short but intense night physical training, bathe and chatted with Eugene on skype for awhile longer then before going to sleep.

*Update*: Actually this post was supposed to be done yesterday but I was too lazy to continue after typing out 2 sentences, LOL

I will stop here and carry on with the next post instead since that was pretty much what happened yesterday :P

Justin