Sunday, 29 March 2015
29th of March - Recover, Regret and Recall
Friday, 20 March 2015
20th of March
Main point is that I have been feeling extremely mad these few days, or I would say just simply easily annoyed, be it from just the presence of people at the wrong time, pissed till the point something small would make me blow my top while I'm gaming or to even things like not wanting to talk to anyone. Either I'm really sleep deprived from all the irregular sleeping hours during guard mount days, or I'm about to really get brain damage and start developing cancer or something.
Guess the only thing that I'm working on right now and probably the only thing going right, is my revision of my poly schoolwork during the silent hours. I have studied up to 7 chapters and have encountered some difficulties while trying out chapter 7's tutorials. Oh well, at least I still have quite alot of time left at that place, studying will make me take my mind off all the stuff that is going on in my head, and not forgetting gaming and good food when I dismount from camp and get back home.
9 straight mounts coming up, and I think I'm pretty much prepared for it, except for the night drills which will drain all the life out of me as it causes me to lose sleep over it.
Justin
Saturday, 21 February 2015
20th of February
Came home from guard dismount with a terrible headache because it was the first time I tanked many hours on duty. Sat on the bus with my eyes closing, when I was about to reach my stop, I could have swore the bus driver was jokingly trying to signal to me to keep my eyes open, guess he was trying to help me in a good way :)
Reached home feeling absolutely hungry because I didn't get to buy my McDonalds breakfast because the outlet at SP was closed. So I just ate some hot dogs with eggs, and a cup of Ramen because I was still hungry. Wolfed all of the food down and started watching CNBLUE's performances on the FNC Kingdom concert, then started playing Yuri's Revenge as I download a lot of maps. Mum wanted me to sleep as she knew I didn't sleep a lot and we had to go out later on for a visit, so she switched on the air-con for me while I was still gaming.
Slept anyway, woke up and got changed as my parents were about to leave the house. Took public transport there, and reached in no time. We were warmly welcomed as we haven't been seeing each other for a year. Family after family arrived, and everyone looked grown up, the sons looked more mature and the daughters looked more beautiful. Chatted and played card games into the evening, and then was the prosperity toss before taking some pictures before leaving for home.
It was a great day and I enjoyed every moment of it, I do hope the next year will be even better, more laughter and food :D
Monday, 16 February 2015
16th of February
Went to canteen after duties and bought drink for my ST friends, before heading to the sofa and chill on it. Slept for around an hour before heading down for lunch. Lunch was totally horrible, the fish was a hard as a rock, at least the chicken was tasty. Gluped down 2 packet drinks and went to chat with another friend on Whatsapp before actually sleeping on the sofa once more. Ran in the afternoon sun, my skin literally baked and I almost puked out my lunch, guess I haven't been running alot (that's a sign)
After I washed up and got changed, we went to the base dinner at some desolate place at Portsdown Road, a dinner filled with laughter and sheer ridiculousness. The food I would say wasn't really that bad, judging from the fact that we had an 8 course meal, and that the drinks were simple and it fits the food well.
Left for home and bathed, and ended the day by chatting with a new friend that I made 2 days ago. Friendly and kind soul, and not a typical female you talk to on the streets nowadays.
As for the rock bottom state, I'm recovering from it bit by bit, I'm not thinking about it a lot which is a good thing as it takes my attention away from the things that I'm doing. Food and games help me to recover faster, and I hope to be okay by the end of this week. Shall see how things go.
Justin
Saturday, 14 February 2015
14th of February
Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.
Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.
Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.
Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.
I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.
Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore
The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered
Monday, 9 February 2015
9th of February
Thursday, 1 January 2015
Start of 2015, 1st of January
Posted to MPTS (Military Police Training School), and had to stay in for another 9 weeks, did alot of area cleaning, listening to lectures and MP close combat training which was the hell training because there were lots of break falls, smacking on the ground and not forgetting the punishments which comes in the form of break falls instead of push ups. But there were many friendly Warrant Officers and Specialists, but there were also commanders that all of us didn't like. Oh well, completed the course and got posted to Gombak, the most depressing place for an MP to go. Oh well one and a half more years to go, before I will be able to screw off from the army and not head back to the most depressing place for an MP.
2015, I hope to be fitter, and most importantly let go of her as I think it's just time to. Liking her has made me focus all of my attention and mind on her, sort of has made me blind to people around me. She's definitely one very unique person, a one of a kind person (in a good way of course), someone that I will never ever forget. For all you know, I might be able to see her once more in the future, but as a friend, not someone that I have feelings for, hopefully.
Monday, 15 December 2014
15th of December
Sunday, 14 December 2014
14th of December
Left less than an hour before I actually leave home for camp, such a 'sian' feeling but I do know that I am about to graduate from the basic course in less than 6 days, fast isn't it? Weeks ago I was complaining about how slow the course progress was, and look where I am now? I'm about to be a trained Military Policeman, going out to catch or book military offenders.
Family has been supporting me non stop since the start of my BMT until now, and also with the bonding of my section mates, helped me to realize that to get through things, we have to work and suffer together. Gaming also kinda takes away all the stupid thoughts that I have in my head when I'm actually not in camp for the week, and also not forgetting music. I have been repeating a few songs again and again because I just can't seem to not play them when I am listening to music.
Time for dinner soon, actually rushed out this post to fill up the week's number of posts, I sort of made a little promise to update as much as possible and also to remove the laziness of not posting anything. Maybe if I am not tired after routine orders I might actually make another post before I sleep!
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
10th of December
Sunday, 7 December 2014
8th of December
Saturday, 6 December 2014
6th of December
Where am I right now?
I'm a trainee Military Policeman, still currently attending the basic course at the SAF MP Command, the basic course lasts for 9 weeks and this weekend marks the end of the 7th week. Reviving the memories from BMT, 3rd Company has trained me to be more swift when it comes to doing forced preparation, especially when we have to take EVERYTHING out from the field pack and lay it out nicely for commanders to see whether we have all the necessary items inside the field pack. I never regretted being in 3rd Company, firstly I do miss my OC sir, Captain Arthur, and my BMT PC 2LT Tian Jie, without the both of them, I probably will still be some lost sheep wandering around and be super 'blur' about everything.
Was posted to MP command after my BMT, and to be honest, I was quite happy with the posting results as it was what I wanted, but at the same time I was also a little disappointed as I wanted a stay-out vocation, I sort of have something against staying in camps for the week days and booking out during the weekends and then repeating it again and again. Usually nowadays before booking in, I will feel absolutely 'sian', reason being I have to leave home just for some camp and stay in there for 5 days straight before I can get out of that shithole camp and go home. Oh well, but after doing it in BMT and for an additional 6 weeks, I'm kinda used to it already, to the point where booking in is just some compulsory action because if I don't then it's considered 'Absence without official leave'.
During the weekends, I go back to old school, meaning I do things that I used to do when I was young. For example, watching childhood shows like Power Rangers (Yes, don't laugh), or playing old school computer games, while listening to music at the same time. Torrented some movies that I watched before like Johnny English, Ice Age and also not forgetting to watch Seananner's daily comedy gameplay videos.
Shifting everything aside, NS has made me realise that family will definitely play a very very important role in a soldier's training, be it emotional support or mental support. I never fail to spend my time with my family every weekend, be it going out for early morning breakfasts, having some heart to heart talk with my parents, going out with them to shop or even simple things like helping them to buy food or carry their stuff for them. Life is short, I had 2 friends that lost their fathers recently, so I just want to make sure I spend time with my parents as much as I can, strive for the things that I want with the best of my ability and lastly, not to become a disappointment to them like what I was years ago.
I don't want to make my parents feel that they wasted their life supporting me and watching me grow up into some useless person, I want to make sure when I succeed, they will be there in smiles and also will be able to celebrate together with me.
Alright it's pretty late right now, 12:56 am in the morning and I'm sleepy because I ate some medication after I bathed as my fever is about to return. Will get some sleep now and I will most probably create one more blog post before I book in back to camp.
Justin
Wednesday, 6 August 2014
6th of August
Did my packing, but I'm not sure if I have packed everything properly, but then I'm sure I have most of the necessary stuffs needed, and my medication on standby too.
Other than that, I'm just feeling a little mood-less, originally was all nervous but now mood-less as I have no mood to feel nervous and such.
I guess it's time to sleep soon as I don't want to feel tired tomorrow morning, and also that I need time to fall asleep on my own bed for one last time.
Won't be posting anything for the next 2 weeks, but I will be back, hopefully.
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
4th of August
The movie was a mix of comedy and action, won't spoil any more, go and watch the movie for yourself if you want to know he plot! After the movie we talked for abit on the way back to the train station before we parted ways and head back home. Ate dinner and started gaming, raged quite a bit because of some retarded person that started throwing the game. We decided to play one more match and won convincingly, after that match Eugene went to sleep so me and Axel continued to look at stuff from Kpopmart, they had pretty good merchandise and was also sold at attractively low prices, I might actually purchase some merchandise from there when I book out from my BMT.
For now I have less than 36 hours of freedom and after that I will lose many things, my freedom, my pink IC and all the hair that has been growing on my head since birth until now. I don't know how much things I will gain from getting conscripted in the army, but then for now I guess I just have to remain silent and serve as per normal
No feelings
Sunday, 3 August 2014
2nd of August
Mum then wanted to go out to Queensway shopping mall to get lunch and also to buy some stuff for me for my National Service. Headed out without any delay and reached Queensway shopping mall, Mum wanted to get some curry chicken, so we went to the Katong laksa stall and ordered a bowl of curry chicken and a small bowl of Laksa for myself :D I ate till my whole body was feeling absolutely warm and my forehead was covered in sweat, I guess I can't tolerate spicy food as well as last time. Managed to eat finish everything, then went to review the list of things that I need to purchase for National Service.
Went to buy a new pair of goggles, then some prickly heat, face washing cream, a running sleeve holder, and a bottle of deodorant. Mum bought some herbal cream for herself, after that I bought some McDonalds for myself, since I was craving it for song long, upsized fillet o fish meal with an extra apple pie for my mum. Went home, ate the food and gamed with Eugene. For the first time I actually wanted to play dota on public matches, first match I played this hero that I never played before, and I actually carried the entire team to victory, and the second game was a little shaky at the start but I still managed to get an ultra kill (4 kills) that changed the entire game in which we ended up winning the game.
The third game I raged badly because we had a teammate that didn't want to listen and kept feeding to the enemy, and also kept disconnecting often so we concluded that that person had a wooden PC. Lost that game but I felt that we put up a good fight, took a break and then did some night exercises after that since I was feeling a little weak and needed to do some exercises to revitalize myself.
After the short but intense night physical training, bathe and chatted with Eugene on skype for awhile longer then before going to sleep.
*Update*: Actually this post was supposed to be done yesterday but I was too lazy to continue after typing out 2 sentences, LOL
I will stop here and carry on with the next post instead since that was pretty much what happened yesterday :P
Justin
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
31st of July
So I was supposed to meet Xing Tang today to have with him in school, just that I didn't check my whatsapp so he went to have lunch with his friend instead. Ate lunch at home and played some old games, then went out to meet Janson since I requested him to being his own non camera phone so that I can use it for my BMT. Was a little late so when I reached there he was sitting with his sister's boyfriend, and they were playing their handheld console game sets. Went to buy some tea break for myself, a cup of hot milo and a plate of traditional butter kaya toast :)
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
29th of July
Yesterday was my brother's 22nd birthday, so my family decided to head out to have a birthday dinner for my brother. We headed to Star Vista as it was pretty nearby and had a few decent restaurants to eat, and we chose the Korean restaurant 'Born-ga' since my brother was craving for Korean food. We ordered a large amount of food, and they actually gave a large amount of veggies since Korean food was especially famous for their veggie wraps:) Ate some kimchi since the main course didn't arrive as fast as the side dishes, popped some salad into my mouth as I was really hungry. Soon the main course arrived and then we continued eating.
So these few days I have been focusing my training on my upper body, especially my arms since I wanted to do a certain number of push ups for the training. Yup just push ups and more push ups, and some motivational quotes and thinking of her while training just helped me alot. My aim? To get the $400 incentive in NS because I want to buy a new computer by myself without my parents spending a single cent, because I want to show them that I can buy the things that I want without giving them headaches on why they should spend the money on the things that I want.
So it's 1:15 am in the morning, and I'm listening to some music to just calm myself down since I'm about to lose my knowing that I'm about to completely lose my freedom in another 8 days time.
Mind blank
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
8th of July
Thursday, 3 July 2014
7th of July
We left the house to buy some late night snacks at Sheng Siong supermarket, I bought a chocolate bun and an 1.5 litre honey green tea bottle, and not forgetting a cup of hot milo for the late night :) My buddy bought some biscuits for himself, and after that we decided to take a walk around his neighborhood. At first we headed up to the carpark's roof garden, we found a bench and we started chatting. We chatted about the many things that were going on in our lives, and I also shared about her, like how she's carrying on with her life, and also some personal problems of my own. I felt really good being able to share with someone face to face about my problem as it removes a huge load off my chest.
Sunday, 22 June 2014
21st of June
Went to the see the doctor and also gave him the medical report of the doctor that he referred me to for endoscopy, then I told him about my stupid story that ended me up in this stupid state. He prescribed me some medicine to treat my stomach openings, and also another set of pills to help me to 'reset' my digestive system to it original state before I got this stupid problem. So after 2 days of medication I feel a little better, maybe still feeling a little funky as well.
But the main point of this post is to share what happened today, nothing exactly happened to me, maybe just my mind and my feelings. So today was the day where my cousin got married, she's 27 years old, not a cousin that I'm really close with. Was feeling a little pissed with my family for rushing me early in the morning to get ready, didn't even had time to properly comb my hair and I had to scoot out of the house. Took a Taxi which we waited for more than 20 minutes, arrived at Grand Hyatt Hotel (no idea if I spelled that correctly). Feeling gloomy and a little unhappy as I enter the ballroom, but my face lightened up a bit when I saw my relatives and cousins that I didn't meet since Chinese New Year until now. We registered at the front counter, and I saw the bride's younger sister and younger brother busily helping out. Soon the reception started and there were videos being played of the wife and husband to be, on how they knew each other, their happy times and how they groom had to fulfill some 'tasks' in order to be able to meet the bride, causing all of the guests to burst out in laughter.
Next was the grandest part of the ceremony, which was the entrance of the bride and the groom, and I have to say, they look really compatible. However when I saw the bride and groom walk down the isle, I suddenly had this ultimatly sad feeling, this feeling that I haven't experienced for a very long time. My thoughts then were, "Don't you think they look good? What about yourself? What are you going to do about her?"
I sort of started daydreaming, to the time when I pictured myself walking down the isle with her, and smiling and my family and friends congratulating me. My heart ached badly after I pictured that, because the fact that it's going to be an impossible dream. She's too good for a person, more like perfect to me. I think of her all the time, to the point where I sometimes hallucinate into thinking she's in front of me and I'm like actually talking to her face to face. I miss her to the point I feel that I can go insane, and like she's a drug when I see her, I want to see her more and more, and especially that smile of hers that melts and warms my heart. The fluttering of my heart when I see her laugh happily, and that her gracefulness when she helps people, I miss all of those.
I will never forget the day when I first saw her, first talked to her and got her picture and lastly the day when I gave her a gift and confessed to her. Up till now, everything just feels so surreal, as if everything happened in a dream.
When I wake up everyday and think of her, I tell myself that it's all over and to move on, but my heart inside tells me otherwise. But the fact that I managed to tell her everything, I guess it's all worth it in the end and I do not have any more regrets, just missing her.
I love her.