Sunday, 29 March 2015

29th of March - Recover, Regret and Recall

As I sit in front of my computer at this timing, just thinking about the many things that are inside my head and also the images that project out into my subconscious mind. Everything that happened on the past 2 days are just so bittersweet and surreal.

I contemplated and wanted to give you just one phone call, I wanted to see you face again and hear you lovely voice just one more time. Called you and to my delight, you picked up the phone and you gave me the most cheerful salutation I ever received. Hesitating, I asked you if you were free to go out and have grilled salmon with me at the restaurant nearby your house. To my surprise you were able to come and I was obviously overjoyed. I stopped doing every thing 2 hours before just to prepare myself for this meal with you. Went to bathed, sprayed my best perfume and then styled my hair for a good half an hour, before heading out of the house. Along the way, I was absolutely nervous, I was worried if my hairstyle was okay, whether was I sweating too excessively which might cause me to smell even though I had perfume on, I was worried if I could swallow the food down as I know this is a very special and heart fluttering meal with you.

I reached and only waited for a good 5 minutes before you arrived, and when you walked to me, it was like a beautiful angel descending from the sky, and you smiled angelically at me like how you did that day one year ago to me. As you sat down on the seat opposite me, my heart was beating extremely quickly as I only thought this meal would only happen in my wildest imagination. We chatted like as if we just met up the previous day. The whole time I couldn't stop noticing your angelic smile, plus the cute and dorky voice of yours. Time past very quickly and then before I knew it, the meal was over and you had to go to somewhere else for another meetup. I shook your hand before you turned and left, but the moment your hand slipped out of mine and you turned to leave, my heart broke into a million pieces. I really wanted to tell you once more that I really loved you so much, that by just not being able to tell you, makes my heart ache even more. To me this meal wasn't just any meal, as this meal signifies my first and last meal with you, before I start to properly let you go from my heart. 

My heart was crying out to you at the farewell, as much as I didn't want to let you go and just tell you how much I really loved you. After you left, I just felt really confused and empty, as I really didn't know what I wanted to do, let alone what I needed to do. I just wandered aimlessly around the area, just hoping that I will be able to find something that will distract myself out of you. I found myself walking back to the restaurant where we ate, and I looked at the person that was eating the meal which was exactly what you ordered. 

My heart sank once more, and I felt like I was about to plunge into rock bottom once again. 

Boarded the train and I left for home, Felt better along the was as I listened to my favourite song. Lyrics went, "You come to me in the fluttering wind, and you come to me once more under the blinding sunshine" 
There will always be hope and the light of hope will shine at me as in progress further into my life.

As for the love of my life, thank you for crossing paths into my life and that everything about you has been so lovely since the day I knew you. However it's time for me to let go of you no matter how painful it is, and I will never forget how amazing you are as a person to me. 

Thank you

Friday, 20 March 2015

20th of March

Its been a month since I last made a post and more importantly, last recovered from the 'rock bottom' feels.
So what have I been doing these few weeks? Army, just army and very little time to myself. Overnight guard mounts once every 2 days, and the only time I get to rest is during the guard dismount after leaving camp, and it all just ties up to one word, shag.

Breakfast after reaching home or McDonalds breakfast a good bathe and a long, long sleep.

Main point is that I have been feeling extremely mad these few days, or I would say just simply easily annoyed, be it from just the presence of people at the wrong time, pissed till the point something small would make me blow my top while I'm gaming or to even things like not wanting to talk to anyone. Either I'm really sleep deprived from all the irregular sleeping hours during guard mount days, or I'm about to really get brain damage and start developing cancer or something.

Guess the only thing that I'm working on right now and probably the only thing going right, is my revision of my poly schoolwork during the silent hours. I have studied up to 7 chapters and have encountered some difficulties while trying out chapter 7's tutorials. Oh well, at least I still have quite alot of time left at that place, studying will make me take my mind off all the stuff that is going on in my head, and not forgetting gaming and good food when I dismount from camp and get back home.

9 straight mounts coming up, and I think I'm pretty much prepared for it, except for the night drills which will drain all the life out of me as it causes me to lose sleep over it.

Justin

Saturday, 21 February 2015

20th of February

Came home from guard dismount with a terrible headache because it was the first time I tanked many hours on duty. Sat on the bus with my eyes closing, when I was about to reach my stop, I could have swore the bus driver was jokingly trying to signal to me to keep my eyes open, guess he was trying to help me in a good way :)

Reached home feeling absolutely hungry because I didn't get to buy my McDonalds breakfast because the outlet at SP was closed. So I just ate some hot dogs with eggs, and a cup of Ramen because I was still hungry. Wolfed all of the food down and started watching CNBLUE's performances on the FNC Kingdom concert, then started playing Yuri's Revenge as I download a lot of maps. Mum wanted me to sleep as she knew I didn't sleep a lot and we had to go out later on for a visit, so she switched on the air-con for me while I was still gaming.

Slept anyway, woke up and got changed as my parents were about to leave the house. Took public transport there, and reached in no time. We were warmly welcomed as we haven't been seeing each other for a year. Family after family arrived, and everyone looked grown up, the sons looked more mature and the daughters looked more beautiful. Chatted and played card games into the evening, and then was the prosperity toss before taking some pictures before leaving for home.

It was a great day and I enjoyed every moment of it, I do hope the next year will be even better, more laughter and food :D

Monday, 16 February 2015

16th of February

As usual I dragged my feet to camp early in the morning, was half conscious in the bus while listening to music. I guess it was the music that kept me awake (Can't stop me now~) :D Reached camp, got changed and started doing morning duties. At the post I was carry out duties alone, while the other posts had my upper study section mates watching over them. I'm not sure if they didn't want to stand with me, or whether they didn't like me in some way, or whether they felt that I didn't need any help, I didn't know the actual reason so I just continued doing my duties.

Went to canteen after duties and bought drink for my ST friends, before heading to the sofa and chill on it. Slept for around an hour before heading down for lunch. Lunch was totally horrible, the fish was a hard as a rock, at least the chicken was tasty. Gluped down 2 packet drinks and went to chat with another friend on Whatsapp before actually sleeping on the sofa once more. Ran in the afternoon sun, my skin literally baked and I almost puked out my lunch, guess I haven't been running alot (that's a sign)

After I washed up and got changed, we went to the base dinner at some desolate place at Portsdown Road, a dinner filled with laughter and sheer ridiculousness. The food I would say wasn't really that bad, judging from the fact that we had an 8 course meal, and that the drinks were simple and it fits the food well.

Left for home and bathed, and ended the day by chatting with a new friend that I made 2 days ago. Friendly and kind soul, and not a typical female you talk to on the streets nowadays.

As for the rock bottom state, I'm recovering from it bit by bit, I'm not thinking about it a lot which is a good thing as it takes my attention away from the things that I'm doing. Food and games help me to recover faster, and I hope to be okay by the end of this week. Shall see how things go.

Justin

Saturday, 14 February 2015

14th of February

I expected this day to be terrible, but of course I never expected it to be so terrible and demoralizing for me. Started with an overnight duty knowing that I can't have reunion dinner with my family, and guard mount on day 1 of Chinese New Year and also can't attend a reunion lunch with my aunties, uncles and cousins. Fuck everything.

Dismounted anyway, left the camp feeling 100 x crappy, waited 30 minutes for a 74 bus that showed only 11 minutes on the waiting timer (well done). Decided to take my mind off by shoving my mouth full of food and drinks for breakfast, then proceeded to just game. As usual, didn't have a successful game session, died, raged, killed, raged once more before deciding to just sleep and forget everything. Woke up at 2 to have lunch, and mum just brought food for me unconditionally even though she doesn't know that I'm feeling absolutely terrible, felt so bad for treating my mum with a cold shoulder. Congratulated my friend as she started dating her close friend quite some time back, felt so happy for her.

Friends agreed to meet and eat, but some how I was excluded, be it whether I really was forgotten or they didn't want me to be there. That made me hit rock bottom, but oh well they went with their dates so I would be left out or be the odd one out in one way or another. Decided to go out and get some food to eat for myself, settled with some steamboat in a restaurant in Alexandra Village. As I ate my food, I looked around and I saw myself the only person eating alone, the rest were either happy families or couples feeding each other or just happily chatting. Ate my food, paid money and quickly left the place before I broke down, went home empty handed and just started gaming once I got home. Things didn't improve, just completely broke down, my heart and chest aching badly. Suffering in silence.

Everything is like a vicious cycle of jealousy, it all starts with me being left out or excluded. I see my friends enjoying way better than me and when I try to ACTUALLY fit in, I just don't. I either get zoned out, or people just take to themselves, leaving me just hanging nowhere. When they actually ask what's wrong, what am I supposed to say? If I say that it's them, there will definitely be tensions and questions raised, but what if I just tell them that there's nothing wrong OR I tell them that there's a problem but it's personal, similarly it's still going to blast everything back at me. Having someone to love and bring loved by someone is similar. I see couples everywhere, and then I look at myself. I do something about it by actually going out and making friends, get conversations and numbers but in the end it just ends because I don't get replies. I take it that the other party is busy, and it really hurts to keep thinking that I didn't get replied because the other person is just busy. Facing reality on the other hand, just makes me plunge right down into rock bottom once more.

Stages like questioning, acceptance, demoralization, and the crushing of pride and self esteem comes all at once.

I just broke down. I just want to hide from everyone and just stay there forever.

Right now, still currently at rock bottom while seeing everyone else enjoy with their dates and foods. I really don't know how to feel anymore

The Storm Bringer is gone, the light has faded and the weapons have shattered

Monday, 9 February 2015

9th of February

I think it's has been a month since I last posted something, so another boring month in my NS life, only looking forward to going home every time I enter camp, oh well I can't do much since I am already posted to Gombak. Only thing I can do is to firstly look forward to the McDonalds breakfast when I leave camp after an overnight duty.

In the past month I attended a few friends 21st birthdays and I would say they pretty much enjoyed themselves, be it from being thrown into the pool, cake smashed into their faces or even playing simple drinking and potato chips games. And I will be celebrating my 21st birthday in camp, unfair much to be honest. I don't even get to enjoy myself on my birthday and I have to endure scolding from people that don't even care whether it's your birthday or not. 

Moody as usual these few days, kept playing counter strike to get my head back in track with the sniping and knifing of the enemies, and not forgetting the goal that I'm working towards, which is getting the 'Luminosity Bringer' title. Besides gaming, have been working out a little. Usually I don't really have the mood to go and exercise, but the fact that I have been pretty demoralized and pissed with myself, I decided to turn the personal insults and hatred, into energy for exercise. Ran around 3+km every 2 days, pretty much has burned off all the calories I get from consuming canteen food. 

Right now I'm chilling on a sofa in camp, just thinking about future events and plans. Plans for this year? Get a new PC, maintain my silver grade for IPPT, treat my parents to restaurant food at least 4 times, and lastly get my head back in track when it comes to love. Still remembering one year ago, when I was ridiculously in love, as I haven't really changed my lifestyle, eating all sorts of rubbish foods and sleeping at ridiculous hours. One year later, I'm much better and physically stronger and a little mentally stronger, so life isn't as bad as last time. Guess sleep, scoldings and canteen food are my best friends when I'm alone in the army and I can't use my phone at the same time. Maybe I forgot to add in the drinks after the food but oh well, they come together as a package.

Nice people every now and then that actually understands the stuff that you are doing, and actually am willing to talk to you about it, unlike people that just give zero fucks to you and won't care what happen even though you are really in need of help and need someone to talk to.

In the mean time, I will just chill like a cat sitting at the corner of the room.

Justin

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Start of 2015, 1st of January

Looking back at the entire of 2014, at the start of the year with me still being entirely trolling around in class with the gang, imitating lecturers like LPY or AYCP, and also times when I fell sick or very often, lovesick. Walking around school aimlessly and also looking for her while I walk past places with the times I was the closest to her, seemingly like a replay, I was able to see everything from a 3rd person's perspective.

Nonetheless, listening in lecturers and the ultimate crash course revisions before tests or exams. The spirit of helping was quite present at that moment, people helping out each other's. Not forgetting the steamboat and BBQ sessions at Sum's house, and then the heart fluttering moments when I see her around in school, then friends will be like, "Go sit near her or something! *with the smirk on their faces*"

Heart fluttering moments once more during the EEE grad party and graduation ceremony once more, plus the confession of my feelings for her too and the gift for her, totally one of the bravest moments of my life, basically having the balls to go up and tell her in person.

Went to work part time back at my internship place, guess my love for laptops is huge so I don't mind handling them once more. Faced with a lot of stomach problems when working over there because the meal times were absolutely irregular and really screwed my stomach, seen the doctor many times and also went to see the Chinese physician, got a ton of medication and then just consume on time. Computer spoiled, so I just went back to the previous workplace to get it fixed, went to cyber cafés to game when I really had the urge to game. But when I didn't had the urge, went to help 2 of my younger friends with geography notes since I was pretty strong in geography :D

Then came army, something that I really didn't look forward to. 8/7/2014, enlisted to the army, Pulau Tekong BMTC School 4, 3rd Company Platoon 4 Section 2. Went through 9 weeks of basic military training and then not forgetting the long and gruesome route marches, especially the 24km march, my body started breaking down after the 18km mark. Nevertheless, endure through everything and threw my cap up high when everything was over. What came after that was a nice McDonalds breakfast with my family before heading home to unpack every single sweaty and smelly stuff in my field pack before getting some nice & well deserved sleep :D

Posted to MPTS (Military Police Training School), and had to stay in for another 9 weeks, did alot of area cleaning, listening to lectures and MP close combat training which was the hell training because there were lots of break falls, smacking on the ground and not forgetting the punishments which comes in the form of break falls instead of push ups. But there were many friendly Warrant Officers and Specialists, but there were also commanders that all of us didn't like. Oh well, completed the course and got posted to Gombak, the most depressing place for an MP to go. Oh well one and a half more years to go, before I will be able to screw off from the army and not head back to the most depressing place for an MP.

2015, I hope to be fitter, and most importantly let go of her as I think it's just time to. Liking her has made me focus all of my attention and mind on her, sort of has made me blind to people around me. She's definitely one very unique person, a one of a kind person (in a good way of course), someone that I will never ever forget. For all you know, I might be able to see her once more in the future, but as a friend, not someone that I have feelings for, hopefully.

Monday, 15 December 2014

15th of December

And so I came across this article, which was titled: 'Unrequited Love: The Pain Of Loving Someone When It’s One-Sided.'

After reading it, my heart ached as if the tendons inside snapped, or maybe like I got stabbed or something. I will quote a large part of the article down here:

"You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where he or she tells you he or she doesn’t feel the same way or can’t date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still f*cking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn’t he/she love me?” and your brain does this bullsh*t thing where it answers with, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable” or “I’m worthless.”

The next thing you know, you’re in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can’t get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it’s awkward. It’s almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if he or she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn’t hurt so much.

You start doing the “I’m working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that’s too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that’s too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you’re stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn’t understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all."

Yup that's probably how I'm feeling for the past 2 weeks. Won't say anymore.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

14th of December

Time flies, whether it has been fast or slow. Managed to clear my IPPT last friday but sadly no silver because I screwed up my pull ups and my sit ups, therefore I won't even get a single cent from the government. But luckily due to the fact that I cleared my IPPT, I will definitely get my corporal rank soon within the course of my service, hopefully soon as I look forward to the pay rise.

Left less than an hour before I actually leave home for camp, such a 'sian' feeling but I do know that I am about to graduate from the basic course in less than 6 days, fast isn't it? Weeks ago I was complaining about how slow the course progress was, and look where I am now? I'm about to be a trained Military Policeman, going out to catch or book military offenders.

Family has been supporting me non stop since the start of my BMT until now, and also with the bonding of my section mates, helped me to realize that to get through things, we have to work and suffer together. Gaming also kinda takes away all the stupid thoughts that I have in my head when I'm actually not in camp for the week, and also not forgetting music. I have been repeating a few songs again and again because I just can't seem to not play them when I am listening to music.

Time for dinner soon, actually rushed out this post to fill up the week's number of posts, I sort of made a little promise to update as much as possible and also to remove the laziness of not posting anything. Maybe if I am not tired after routine orders I might actually make another post before I sleep!


Tuesday, 9 December 2014

10th of December

Just finished my morning physical training, which also includes the nice cold bath and the hot cup of milo and snacks to complete the morning. Exactly midweek of the 8th week and one more week to the end of the course. 

In addition, it has been exactly one week since I contacted her. She hasn't replied me, but I did saw she replied someone else as the other person wrote on her profile. It was this morning when I saw that she replied to her friend. I'll be honest here, I was a little sad, I felt forgotten and that I was just wondering since breakfast till physical training why she didn't reply me. Basically the same old thoughts flooding my head once more.

The more I thought, the more sad and forgotten I felt. It went to the extent that the things that my friends have said to me, suddenly all became true, which is to simply 'Let It Go'. However the thought of letting go has crossed my mind once, but it got covered by the fact that whether I was able to find someone with a very similar character and personality like hers. 

Right now I'm feeling a little better after the morning physical training, just that I'm still thinking whether it's time to let go and perhaps never be able to find someone like her again, or remain lost while clinging on to that tiny bit of hope and continue to have feelings for her.

She's a wonderful person that I have liked for around 2 years already, and someone I will never be able to forget.

Sunday, 7 December 2014

8th of December

My first ever post made in camp, physical training just ended, had a great shower and now I'm having a cup of hot milo while having some snacks. Many things have been going through my head since yesterday night. I couldn't fall asleep that easily, in which I ended up tossing and turning in my bed.

So you may ask, what are the things that have going through my head? Well firstly my family is going overseas for the whole week, so I won't be able to call them or hear their voices. Next, is the fact that I still take other people's judgement of me too seriously, be it in a jokingly manner or for real. A few days ago I went out with a best friend for dinner, as I was travelling up the escalator, a group of young foreign ladies behind started talking about my cap, and for some reason it's stuck inside my head until now, meaning I still could remember what that said word for word.

And lastly, it's about her. It's been months since graduation, and also around a month since I last contacted her. Last Wednesday, due to a minor accident on my phone, I accidentally sent her a 'thumbs up' emoticon. I frantically tried to erase that but to no avail. Therefore I decided to just talk to her once more, giving a simple salutation and asking her how she was. For the entire night until the next morning, I was quite nervous as I was waiting for her reply. 

However until today, she hasn't replied to me, I don't even know whether has she seen the message, whether she is busy or whether she doesn't want to talk to me. Possiblilties are endless, so are my thoughts. Which sometimes sets me thinking, did I say something or do something wrong? Or whether am I too bad of a person?

Right now I just want this day to end fast, so that I can polish my boots and then get some early rest. 

I hope my decision to hold on to that love is not a wrong one, it's tiring but I will still endure.

Justin

Saturday, 6 December 2014

6th of December

It's been about more than 3 months since I last posted something, it's due to me being overly lazy or tired from all the army training and the precious time from the book outs during the weekends. But you would probably agree how precious the weekends are if you are in a stay-in combat vocation.

Where am I right now?

I'm a trainee Military Policeman, still currently attending the basic course at the SAF MP Command, the basic course lasts for 9 weeks and this weekend marks the end of the 7th week. Reviving the memories from BMT, 3rd Company has trained me to be more swift when it comes to doing forced preparation, especially when we have to take EVERYTHING out from the field pack and lay it out nicely for commanders to see whether we have all the necessary items inside the field pack. I never regretted being in 3rd Company, firstly I do miss my OC sir, Captain Arthur, and my BMT PC 2LT Tian Jie, without the both of them, I probably will still be some lost sheep wandering around and be super 'blur' about everything.

Was posted to MP command after my BMT, and to be honest, I was quite happy with the posting results as it was what I wanted, but at the same time I was also a little disappointed as I wanted a stay-out vocation, I sort of have something against staying in camps for the week days and booking out during the weekends and then repeating it again and again. Usually nowadays before booking in, I will feel absolutely 'sian', reason being I have to leave home just for some camp and stay in there for 5 days straight before I can get out of that shithole camp and go home. Oh well, but after doing it in BMT and for an additional 6 weeks, I'm kinda used to it already, to the point where booking in is just some compulsory action because if I don't then it's considered 'Absence without official leave'.

During the weekends, I go back to old school, meaning I do things that I used to do when I was young. For example, watching childhood shows like Power Rangers (Yes, don't laugh), or playing old school computer games, while listening to music at the same time. Torrented some movies that I watched before like Johnny English, Ice Age and also not forgetting to watch Seananner's daily comedy gameplay videos.

Shifting everything aside, NS has made me realise that family will definitely play a very very important role in a soldier's training, be it emotional support or mental support. I never fail to spend my time with my family every weekend, be it going out for early morning breakfasts, having some heart to heart talk with my parents, going out with them to shop or even simple things like helping them to buy food or carry their stuff for them. Life is short, I had 2 friends that lost their fathers recently, so I just want to make sure I spend time with my parents as much as I can, strive for the things that I want with the best of my ability and lastly, not to become a disappointment to them like what I was years ago.

I don't want to make my parents feel that they wasted their life supporting me and watching me grow up into some useless person, I want to make sure when I succeed, they will be there in smiles and also will be able to celebrate together with me.

Alright it's pretty late right now, 12:56 am in the morning and I'm sleepy because I ate some medication after I bathed as my fever is about to return. Will get some sleep now and I will most probably create one more blog post before I book in back to camp.

Justin

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

6th of August

It's 11:15 pm right now, and tomorrow morning I am enlisting to the army, if you ask me once more whether I'm feeling nervous, yes I am. I think it's pretty normal for me to feel this way because it's a whole new environment, no freedom, and loads of authority and control over you. I'm particularly worried about my stomach because these few days it has been giving me quite a number of problems, in which I'm very concerned if whether the problems will resurface when I'm in the army.

Did my packing, but I'm not sure if I have packed everything properly, but then I'm sure I have most of the necessary stuffs needed, and my medication on standby too.

Other than that, I'm just feeling a little mood-less, originally was all nervous but now mood-less as I have no mood to feel nervous and such.

I guess it's time to sleep soon as I don't want to feel tired tomorrow morning, and also that I need time to fall asleep on my own bed for one last time.

Won't be posting anything for the next 2 weeks, but I will be back, hopefully.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

4th of August

2 more days of freedom, nothing left to feel but at least I got some accompaniment, the night before Axel said that he wanted to treat me something nice at the nearby mall, so we agreed on having some Texas chicken to eat. I also asked Namra out as I wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy with a friend. Met up with axel and we chatted as we ate lunch, discussed a lot of stuff about national service, I'm just too lazy to think about the hardships that are coming, and also whether my stomach decides to screw everything up at one go when I am alone. I guess this long battle I have to fight it all alone.

So after lunch, Axel had to go somewhere else so I headed down to Somerset to meet Namra. Then we went to Cineleisure to quickly buy the movie tickets, along the way I told her that I still have been contacting 'you know who :D', and the magical thing that happened to me few days back, and Namra started fangirling at the middle of the walkway at the train station. Got the food and movie tickets, then mum called me to discuss with me about the music player that I wanted to get for my national service. So it was between an iPod shuffle and an iPod Nano, so I decided to get something cheap but still useful as I needed something to get rid of my boredom since I probably won't be able to use my main phone during my Basic Military Training.

The movie was a mix of comedy and action, won't spoil any more, go and watch the movie for yourself if you want to know he plot! After the movie we talked for abit on the way back to the train station before we parted ways and head back home. Ate dinner and started gaming, raged quite a bit because of some retarded person that started throwing the game. We decided to play one more match and won convincingly, after that match Eugene went to sleep so me and Axel continued to look at stuff from Kpopmart, they had pretty good merchandise and was also sold at attractively low prices, I might actually purchase some merchandise from there when I book out from my BMT.

For now I have less than 36 hours of freedom and after that I will lose many things, my freedom, my pink IC and all the hair that has been growing on my head since birth until now. I don't know how much things I will gain from getting conscripted in the army, but then for now I guess I just have to remain silent and serve as per normal

No feelings

Sunday, 3 August 2014

2nd of August

Woke up late again since I had no mood to do exercises early in the morning, and that since I had to go out later in the afternoon made me just laze in bed longer. Switched on my com and listened to some music before playing some Runescape, mum and dad was watching TV so I just played my own games.

Mum then wanted to go out to Queensway shopping mall to get lunch and also to buy some stuff for me for my National Service. Headed out without any delay and reached Queensway shopping mall, Mum wanted to get some curry chicken, so we went to the Katong laksa stall and ordered a bowl of curry chicken and a small bowl of Laksa for myself :D I ate till my whole body was feeling absolutely warm and my forehead was covered in sweat, I guess I can't tolerate spicy food as well as last time. Managed to eat finish everything, then went to review the list of things that I need to purchase for National Service.

Went to buy a new pair of goggles, then some prickly heat, face washing cream, a running sleeve holder, and a bottle of deodorant. Mum bought some herbal cream for herself, after that I bought some McDonalds for myself, since I was craving it for song long, upsized fillet o fish meal with an extra apple pie for my mum. Went home, ate the food and gamed with Eugene. For the first time I actually wanted to play dota on public matches, first match I played this hero that I never played before, and I actually carried the entire team to victory, and the second game was a little shaky at the start but I still managed to get an ultra kill (4 kills) that changed the entire game in which we ended up winning the game.

The third game I raged badly because we had a teammate that didn't want to listen and kept feeding to the enemy, and also kept disconnecting often so we concluded that that person had a wooden PC. Lost that game but I felt that we put up a good fight, took a break and then did some night exercises after that since I was feeling a little weak and needed to do some exercises to revitalize myself.

After the short but intense night physical training, bathe and chatted with Eugene on skype for awhile longer then before going to sleep.

*Update*: Actually this post was supposed to be done yesterday but I was too lazy to continue after typing out 2 sentences, LOL

I will stop here and carry on with the next post instead since that was pretty much what happened yesterday :P

Justin

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

31st of July

7 days left to my national service, and I haven't been training for more than 4 days, starting to be a little worried since I'm pretty weak. Went to see the Chinese physician yesterday to request for more medication, the physician was very kind in explaining what I could eat and what foods I should avoid for the time being.

So I was supposed to meet Xing Tang today to have with him in school, just that I didn't check my whatsapp so he went to have lunch with his friend instead. Ate lunch at home and played some old games, then went out to meet Janson since I requested him to being his own non camera phone so that I can use it for my BMT. Was a little late so when I reached there he was sitting with his sister's boyfriend, and they were playing their handheld console game sets. Went to buy some tea break for myself, a cup of hot milo and a plate of traditional butter kaya toast :)

Chatted with Janson and we actually discussed about our future ambitions, and I shared with him my story about that special someone :D 

The main point about this post is that something magical happened to me today which caused me to smile non stop, like even now :)

Last night I contacted her again and I asked her how she was, she replied cheerfully that she was doing real fine. I was happy knowing that she was fine, and that I wanted to ask her out for a simple meal. She didn't reply me so I thought she was tired and might reply me the next morning. This morning when I woke up I thought she replied but to no avail. 

So I decided to message her once more, this time I went straight to the point and asked if she was free before next Thursday. She replied to me saying that she wasn't free and University was starting for her. And I actually went to ask for her number after I gave her some small words of encouragement, I totally regretted asking her and I thought that it will be awkward from that time onwards.

Crestfallen, I went to my buddy's house for a birthday celebration. Had so much fun and laughter since I was feeling down , even did crazy stuff like lying down on 3 of my buddy's laps since the car was full and I had to squeeze in since I was the skinniest of them all, plus selfie shots since all of is were feeling 'high'

She actually messaged me later on with her number, and when I saw it I ran around the dining table like a mad man, smiling non stop. I couldn't believe that she gave me her number, she told me that she trusted me not to abuse the number, and I was really thankful that she actually put her faith in me.

So right now, I'm just lying on the bed and smiling like a crazy person. Guess it will be tough for me to sleep today, will continue smiling till tomorrow morning :D

Justin

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

29th of July

8 more days to my national service, I remember having so many mixed feelings about going in and suffering a lot. However, right now I don't have any thoughts and feelings about enlisting, perhaps I felt crappy too long until I am actually used to the feelings. Have been forcing myself to train as I felt that suffering in the army isn't worth it, even if I have to suffer, I don't want to suffer so much. I guess this 'motivation' has pushed me further a bit, to the point in which I am able to do 7 proper pull ups, which is a very very big achievement since I wasn't able to do even 1 last time.

Yesterday was my brother's 22nd birthday, so my family decided to head out to have a birthday dinner for my brother. We headed to Star Vista as it was pretty nearby and had a few decent restaurants to eat, and we chose the Korean restaurant 'Born-ga' since my brother was craving for Korean food. We ordered a large amount of food, and they actually gave a large amount of veggies since Korean food was especially famous for their veggie wraps:) Ate some kimchi since the main course didn't arrive as fast as the side dishes, popped some salad into my mouth as I was really hungry. Soon the main course arrived and then we continued eating.

So these few days I have been focusing my training on my upper body, especially my arms since I wanted to do a certain number of push ups for the training. Yup just push ups and more push ups, and some motivational quotes and thinking of her while training just helped me alot. My aim? To get the $400 incentive in NS because I want to buy a new computer by myself without my parents spending a single cent, because I want to show them that I can buy the things that I want without giving them headaches on why they should spend the money on the things that I want.

So it's 1:15 am in the morning, and I'm listening to some music to just calm myself down since I'm about to lose my knowing that I'm about to completely lose my freedom in another 8 days time.

Mind blank

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

8th of July

Didn't really sleep well since there was large storm raging outside at around 3am, the winds were like super strong and made really loud howling sounds and shook the windows quite strongly. I remember waking up and checking twitter and Instagram before going back to sleep.

Woke up at around 8+ since I told myself that I wanted to head out for a morning exercise session. Managed to drag my feet off the bed and washed up, are breakfast and then drank the powdered medication mixed in hot water (at least it didn't taste so bad, the first time I tried tasting it in room water temperature, I almost died drinking it). Wanted to watch some Running Man on my phone since my mum won't be joining me for the morning exercise since my mum is joining her friend from the Friday night Tai-Chi class. Had to watch the show at my brother's room since the wireless was much much stronger as compared to my room. Since I didn't really know what episode I wanted to watch so I just scrolled through the entire list of episodes on Wikipedia, so I just watched the episode when the cast went to China and the guests on that episode were KARA's Kang Jiyoung, Actress Lee Yeon Hee and Kim Joohyuk. I watched for over an hour or so, then mum came back home with lunch, so I continued watching while having lunch :)

So in the end I didn't went out for morning exercise since I had already had lunch, I ended up watching another long episode of running man. In that episode, it featured guests like Actress Go A-ra (고아라) and Lee Yeon Hee. I loved that episode has it was pretty unique and relatively hilarious, watched halfway and I had to go and charge my phone as watching the previous episode drained the battery of my phone all the way till around 30%. While charging, I decided to play abit of music, since the restlessness was kicking in bit by bit. Blasted Hyolyn's One Way Love, and a few of my other favourite songs.

Had to leave home to visit the Chinese physician as a follow up to the previous week's consultation. Was feeling a little annoyed on the way there, and to make things worse, I had to wait close to an hour since the person at the counter keyed in the wrong number for me. But after reflecting and thinking that the people in front of me were elderly and needed more time for consultation, it made me less annoyed. So after consultation, I gave the number back to the counter and went to sit down, but before walking to the seats, my mum asked me if I wanted to leave first because I agreed to meet my friend at Bugis+ at around 4pm. So I agreed and left the place first, on the way to the MRT station, I gave my friend a call to tell him that I was on the way there. After reaching there, he was already playing so I just stood behind him and watched him play for abit. He kept telling me to sit down and play with him since he told me that I came all the way down from Queenstown to Bugis+. I went to enquire some stuff from the counter, after that I booked a computer and started playing, but for some reason the game that I wanted to play couldn't be launched, and I can't say that I wasn't disappointed as I had to settle some monetary stuff in game since I wasn't online in that game for more than 2 weeks already. 

The person asked me if I wanted a refund or something, but since I already sat down, I would just make full use of my time there, so I just told the person that I could just play other games instead. Reluctantly played Dota, but couldn't concentrate in game so I sort of abandoned the game halfway. Then I wet out to have dinner at the Subway outlet at the same floor. Chatted with my buddy as he ate dinner, we talked about stuff in game and the attitudes to take when playing dota and such, then we all left for home. 

Walked though SP as I wanted to save money by not taking the bus home. I walked past places where I first met and saw her, plus the places where I interacted and lastly the place where I confessed to her. The memories that flowed back were so surreal, and almost felt so real, as if I was seeing myself and the scene playing back. So while walking through the interior of SP, memories came flowing back bit by bit, as I recalled the things that I did / saw in SP, I missed them all. Will be going to the army soon, and it will be a completely new environment as compared to school. 

Was feeling like crap when I reached back home, so I went out for a walk after dinner just to lighten my mood and I didn't feel so crappy after that.

Will stop here for today as I have to do some note taking for some friends of mine :P

Justin

Thursday, 3 July 2014

7th of July

So I've been out of action for more than 2 weeks, because my laptop died on me (it sort of had some graphics card problem, so I had to send it for servicing as the screen had some uniform lines and also having constant blue screens after switching it on). Had to carry on with life without a com for the next 13 - 14 days). So for the first few days I had to endure life without a computer and also that since I didn't have one, I requested my buddy to have a sleepover at his house. During that day I followed him to Clementi Mall as there was a Starbucks 1-for-1 offer, he wanted to order this strawberry frappe with whipped cream and got another one for his father. After that we went to the Clementi hawker center and we bought some fried kuey tiao while I got some mixed fried noodles and a burger from McDonalds :) After that we took a bus back to his house, then he had to rush off to MY to fetch his brother back from the customs. When we reached his house, I was greeted by his mother that was a little mad at him, and his mum asked him angrily where he was as he needed quite abit of time to travel to the Causeway. So after we entered the house, he had to leave in a hurry, leaving me and his mum in the house. His mum started doing some Sudoku while I was given permission by my friend to fiddle on his com for abit, so I decided to watch some music videos while enjoying the music. I talked to his mum every now and then and she actually wondered how I could actually just sit down there and just watched the music videos all day long without doing anything else, well for me if the music videos and songs are good, I would be able to just sit there and just listen to the music :D Listened to music until around 6+ while his mother kept on painting, then I went to watch some Running Man, was totlaly hilarious since there were some of my favourite idols being absolutely goofy. I rememeber I didn't watch finish the entire show as I wanted to play Sniper Elite v2, quickly downloaded the game and started playing. But I'll be honest, while playing I dare not raise the volume too loud as the game had some gore and bloody scenes, especially after you fire the bullet from a long range and the slow-mo camera action with the bullet piercing the skull and destroying it with the blood splattering out, is quite a gore-ish scene for his mum so I just did body shots the whole time when his mum was sitting near the TV screen. Later, she received some call in which she had to leave the house in a hurry, apparently my friend's younger brother had encountered some problems at the customs in MY as his passport had already expired, therefore denying him entry back into SG. Before my friend's mum left the house, my friend came back, therefore I wasn't going to be left alone to game. We played abit of sniper elite as I wanted to show him how smoothly the game runs on his computer. I roamed around his house while he was playing. Lazed around the house since I was a little sleepy.

We left the house to buy some late night snacks at Sheng Siong supermarket, I bought a chocolate bun and an 1.5 litre honey green tea bottle, and not forgetting a cup of hot milo for the late night :) My buddy bought some biscuits for himself, and after that we decided to take a walk around his neighborhood. At first we headed up to the carpark's roof garden, we found a bench and we started chatting. We chatted about the many things that were going on in our lives, and I also shared about her, like how she's carrying on with her life, and also some personal problems of my own. I felt really good being able to share with someone face to face about my problem as it removes a huge load off my chest. 

We talked through the night, and went back to the house at around 6:10 am, he used the com for awhile more to update one of the pages that he is managing. I lazed around and lied down for abit, then later he decided to sleep. So we went to sleep in his room. I lied down for about 10 - 20 minutes, but I couldn't seem to sleep. So in the end I just got up, went to his living room and started making notes for my friends. Steadily, I managed to endure the tiredness that was taking over my body bit by bit for more than an hour. I couldn't just leave without saying goodbye to his mum as it would be so rude and disrespectful, so endured till his mum woke up. Not long after I was about to fall asleep, his mum woke up and had to make breakfast. When his mum saw me making notes for my friends, she went, "你这样早起来就去读书了? 你不累吗?" (Which translates to: "You got up so early just to study? Ain't you tired?") I told her that I couldn't sleep so I just got up and did something productive for my friends. I talked to his mum for quite a while, then I had to leave for home I wanted to buy some breakfast for my mum since I thought my mum was sick. So I went to the kitchen where his mum was and I told her that I was thankful that she allowed me to stayover for one night, I gave her a hug since I was feeling thankful. After that I woke up buddy up as I had to leave for home, he wanted to send me to the bus stop but I just told him to go back to bed since he was really tired and I didn't want to disturb his sleep. Went to buy breakfast at the market near his house; some fried noodles for my mum, and mixed noodles, a fried egg and some small pieces of luncheon meat.  Boarded the bus after that and headed for home.

So for the next few days I just stayed at home and made notes, and on Saturday I went out with the 2 girls for lunch and gave them free tuition at the same time. Since they listened attentively when I was explaining, I guessed the time spent on the notes was worth it :) We walked around Star Vista and snapped a few pictures before heading back home with a cup of Honey Green Tea in my hands. Blasted some music back at home, especially to songs like CNBLUE's Can't Stop, Hyolyn's One Way Love.

Few days later, I called up to check whether my computer already repaired or still under processing. My former colleagues told me that it was under it's final testing and if everything was I could come and collect it the following day. So the following day, headed down to the service centre with my mum, and when I first tested out my computer at the counter, the casing wasn't closed properly and the fan seemed to be freaking out a little as it would work very hard when I opened simple programs like Chrome and IE. So I gave it back to the counter and told them to rectify the problems, while they rectify the problems, I went for lunch with my mum at KFC. After lunch we went to the top floor challenger and went to look for some computer mouses. After considering, I went to buy a Razer Abyssus mouse and a simple Logitech mouse for my dad, my mum did the payment instead, so I'm pretty thankful :) 

After collecting my computer, we went to buy some food and left for home. Back at home, I immediately went to test out my computer. But to my horror, the fan worked unusually hard, and my laptop even shut down when I was gaming. Disappointed, I had to go back down to the service centre to have them to re-rectify the problem. 

So it has been around 3 days since I re- sent in my computer and I just called in to check on the status, and they told me that I had to wait till around the 7th or 8th of July to check the status. So I guess it's no computer till the end of this week. So in the meantime I might continue heading down to the Cybercafe at Clementi stadium or just continue with my training for my National Service. 

So it's around 30 days left on being a normal civilian, and I won't know what's coming up for me in NS, all I can hope now is that I'm able to pull through the initial 2-week compulsory confinement. Right now, my family and her will be my greatest sources of strength, since I will be facing the battle alone when I'm in the army.

Will stop here for now, have to get some early rest for today.

Justin.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

21st of June

With just less than 50 days to NS, the fear and nervousness starts to kick in, bit by bit. Furthermore I fell sick due to my stupidity, I ate a large amount of sugar and even mixed sugar into my water bottle (reason being I wanted to recover my energy as fast as possible, so I ate a large spoonful of sugar and drank the entire bottle of sugar down). At 3 am, my stomach freaked out badly, giving me the diarrhea feeling. Rushed to the toilet but false alarm, and my stomach walls started spamming and I really wanted to throw up so badly. Anxiety attack was about to kick in so I just closed my eyes and did some simple breathing exercises, I then managed to fall asleep at around 4:30 pm, then woke up the next day with my stomach feeling really funky and always having the urge to have a diarrhea. This continued on for a few days, and after dinner with Axel, my intestines suddenly became real loose (like if I pressed on my left side of my abdomen, there will be a loud growling and compressing sound of the digested food being heard *gross*), so I quickly asked him to go home and I went to the toilet, and ended up as a false alarm.

Went to the see the doctor and also gave him the medical report of the doctor that he referred me to for endoscopy, then I told him about my stupid story that ended me up in this stupid state. He prescribed me some medicine to treat my stomach openings, and also another set of pills to help me to 'reset' my digestive system to it original state before I got this stupid problem. So after 2 days of medication I feel a little better, maybe still feeling a little funky as well.

But the main point of this post is to share what happened today, nothing exactly happened to me, maybe just my mind and my feelings. So today was the day where my cousin got married, she's 27 years old, not a cousin that I'm really close with. Was feeling a little pissed with my family for rushing me early in the morning to get ready, didn't even had time to properly comb my hair and I had to scoot out of the house. Took a Taxi which we waited for more than 20 minutes, arrived at Grand Hyatt Hotel (no idea if I spelled that correctly). Feeling gloomy and a little unhappy as I enter the ballroom, but my face lightened up a bit when I saw my relatives and cousins that I didn't meet since Chinese New Year until now. We registered at the front counter, and I saw the bride's younger sister and younger brother busily helping out. Soon the reception started and there were videos being played of the wife and husband to be, on how they knew each other, their happy times and how they groom had to fulfill some 'tasks' in order to be able to meet the bride, causing all of the guests to burst out in laughter.

Next was the grandest part of the ceremony, which was the entrance of the bride and the groom, and I have to say, they look really compatible. However when I saw the bride and groom walk down the isle, I suddenly had this ultimatly sad feeling, this feeling that I haven't experienced for a very long time. My thoughts then were, "Don't you think they look good? What about yourself? What are you going to do about her?"

I sort of started daydreaming, to the time when I pictured myself walking down the isle with her, and smiling and my family and friends congratulating me. My heart ached badly after I pictured that, because the fact that it's going to be an impossible dream. She's too good for a person, more like perfect to me. I think of her all the time, to the point where I sometimes hallucinate into thinking she's in front of me and I'm like actually talking to her face to face. I miss her to the point I feel that I can go insane, and like she's a drug when I see her, I want to see her more and more, and especially that smile of hers that melts and warms my heart. The fluttering of my heart when I see her laugh happily, and that her gracefulness when she helps people, I miss all of those.

I will never forget the day when I first saw her, first talked to her and got her picture and lastly the day when I gave her a gift and confessed to her. Up till now, everything just feels so surreal, as if everything happened in a dream.

When I wake up everyday and think of her, I tell myself that it's all over and to move on, but my heart inside tells me otherwise. But the fact that I managed to tell her everything, I guess it's all worth it in the end and I do not have any more regrets, just missing her.

I love her.